p0:44
Ok so this, as i thought, it was all just idealisation and in practice i was more or less as isolated as always. I was pretty much as alone as always, but i didn’t feel like it at all, id say my spirit was more optimistic. It is not the same, i felt better.
B didn’t come till the afternoon, maybe that affected, but anyways when he came it wasn’t like he sticked to me or anything, he was as always. That kinda supports my theory that he’s pretty much everything to my, my source of happiness, CD, and almost the only person I talk to regularly coz class and gr, and I’m losing touch w the 3s, while I’m just one more friend to him. It’s not like I’m meaningless at all, he even told me I was pretty important for him, but he has many important friends. He is my one in one, and I’m his one in 20.
He even has a photo w S as his wallpaper, that’s just a reminder of how far I am from truly becoming best friends w that group, and the biggest and most important reminder is Marco himself, B mentioned him throughout the afternoon a few times, and every time he says he is very excited for this Friday I know he means he wants to get w Marco, and it hurts me, but I believe I’m making some good work going over it.
So they say was more or less as normal, I was walking home to mom’s, and I get a message from B. I thought it was just homework or something like that, and then he calls me. He didn’t have anything to do and was seeing if anybody was up to hanging around. I said hell yeah, I’m very tired and didn’t feel like training, and ofc going around w B is awesome. The only inconvenient is that I don’t want to hang out exclusively with B, as that’d be kind weird, maybe Marco or everyone in general could suspect something, and I just don’t want that overall. We walked a lot, and even came to my house. It’s the first time I bring someone to this house in 2 years, and I would love to keep taking people from time to time, but first of all I don’t have those many friends and the ones I jmhave are either too far away from home or wouldn’t even walk to Carlind. I had lotta fun having dinner (McDonald’s) at home, but I made me kind anxious to mix family and friends (or crush), it was weird. It’d funny and horrible that mom asked me that kinda question, at the end of the day, it’s the first person I bring home and I’ll most prolly not bring much more. Well, I went w him to the metro, even left him at his street and I lost the metro.
It was 23:20 more or less. Mom told me not to take too long. I literally run through the whole city and it was very fun. I was really tire, my legs hurt a lot, but I felt great and free and happy. It was something I don’t wamna forget, it keeps me humble but it’s also one of the most individualistic and defining experiences I’ve had. This character arc hitting hard fr.
I just wanna do a bit of stretching and study a bit of tarot coz B wnts his cards seen tomorrow, I’ll have to make it all up. I’m very tired n all I that, but I’m pretty happy. Got a lot of stuff to tell mom, clothing, my hair, camps and going out n stuff.
I hope this is all a good omen, by now, it looks like it.
Also, gotta say that I forget lotta things and prolly have a flat Pov voz I just write in one go without thinking twice most of the time, ofc it help keep stuff fresh and real but it makes me forget thing and unorganize more things.
Gotta add an observation. Tody S was t here, and S was kind outta the grouo from class and stuff. Same as me, he doesn’t have an especial affinity with most class, but the difference is he prolly doesn’t fell alone. First coz he talks w B through message regularly (all the time), but also coz he has not only friends inside school, but prolly friends out too and a girlfriend. He cannot feel alone coz he isn’t. He just saw that as a punctual situation of solitude, that prolly wouldn’t affect him coz his friends ain’t gonna leave him.
Since I don’t feel like I have those unconditional friends (except for maybe B, and I’m not remotely as close to him as S is) I always feel alone, so my “social survival”, or my food supply if we keep the hunger comparison, requires me to stick to the group and not let go.
I also don’t wanna let go the 3s, I understood today that if I just see them so much less, it’d be a waste of an awesome friendship. I’ll try to be more open to them, if it works great, if it doesn’t I’ll just cry and accept that friendship would’ve passed away slowly anyways. Matro is a whole ass queen, I did wave at her and talk to her a lot at school. I appreciate her so much I didn’t think I’d like so much that she was there.
But still, I feel like I need more friends and I’m alone, I guess we still working on it.
B told me like 10mins ago to rest n stuff, he’s also awake, and even a bit sick, and we walked a lot today. He’s an angel and I love him so much it’s unrealistic.
p1:08
Loading comments...