Upset. in Trust the Journey pt 2

Hi,
So I guess maybe I took it for granted and maybe I just thought that I would have been given the respect of a choice. As my readers know I have social anxiety and Ms moms wedding had been really just kind of setting off alarms for me especially after it was brought to my attention that we probably would not be sitting at the same table I don’t know why I hadn’t thought about that. I suppose I just assumed that normally the head table is the maid of honor, brides maids, groom and grooms men and sometimes the flower girl and ring bear. So I just assumed that since to my knowledge M is only giving his mom away that she would do the right thing and sit the four of us at a table or if she did decide to have them at the head table that I would have a spot there aswell. I don’t know why I thought that but I guess my social anxiety didn’t believe that M would put me in a situation to be uncomfortable. without atleast talking to me first.

So I decided to ask him if we would be at the same table because this wedding is already giving me a shit ton of anxiety and he no we won’t BUT I told my mom to put you with people you know. honestly I am nothing to this wedding and my anxiety is soo rough I wish he had told me because he obviously knew previous to his mother buying our tickets to this wedding.. He should have said babe you know I really want you to come to this wedding with me it would mean alot but I am apart of the wedding party so you will not be sitting with me for the dinner. Now that leaves me with so many gaps like it means I am going to be sitting there alone waiting for the wedding to start how am I going to get there? this to me is real unfair yes I should just suck it up but I am very hurt that I was not given the option to stay home given my mental health issues that everyone is aware of.

The fact is his mom is always my security at family get togethers she is who I hang out with. she includes me and M is always off doing something and this event is hers and she should have it the way she wants. however I won’t have her to lean on and I also won’t have M to lean on. Yes I know his aunts and uncles and we get along good but the reality is I feel absolutely naked without my security blanket even my children won’t be with me. I am in no way mad at his mother this is her day and it should all go without a hitch the way she wants it too.

I am mad that my partner didn’t respect me enough to give me an option to stay in my city with my family saving his mother money. My pressence does not matter that that wedding so I should have been given the choice. I realize that it means alot for him to have me there but instead of him selfishly deciding for me that I would be there it should have been my decision to make. I likely still would have gone but maybe I wouldn’t have and I would have explained to him that I don’t mean to be disrespectful but my comfort should come first to him. It no one but his job to make sure I feel comfortable and secure and that I am okay. I would have maybe been hurt that it was coming off a certain way but now I am hurt that I didn’t have a choice.

Not long ago. K asked his mom what I would be doing at the wedding and his mother said she will be taking pictures. I am sure she means as a guest just to make K think that I am apart of it aswell. however lets say she meant that then that is also something I should have been asked and talked to about. I mean I do take pretty good pictures but I am socially awkward and not meant for those situations. So I again would have declined. I was going to get a light blue dress to match M and also the wedding party BUT i have since changed my mind because i am just a guest and so i will wear what I wish to as it’s clear I am going to be quite alone during wedding party things.

M and I barely talked last night because I am upset he likely thinks I am upset with his mother and again I am not. I will tell him that I am upset with him and that he should have gave me the option if I wished to go with him. it would have saved alot of money because I feel she also has L to be the ring bear just to make M happy or maybe to make me feel like apart of the family. we could have stayed and they could have went because even L isn’t thrilled he also has social anxiety he wasn’t asked either he was told what he was and I know he’s doing it mainly for me but also for M.

it’s not easy having something no one really understands I wish that I could just be so social and good in those situations.