p0:24
I did in fact go thrift, I bought a flannel, oversized jeans, some weird sweater and a very cool shirt/jacket, and some rings and earrings too. All 18 bucks. The thing is, it’s the first time, at least that I remember, that I do something like that all by myself and without planning, going somewhere to do something I wanted to do. Do I did feel anxious, it is progress at least.
I wasn’t really productive the rest of the day, just a small bit of homework and that’s it, but the day was already worth it because of the effort I made.
I even came back on foot, I got the 15 to get there but overall I walked like 2-3h. My legs are destroyed and I’m pretty tired, and I had the typical breakdown of all Sundays, but I’m kind happy, well, instead, I should say I’m not sad in the same way as always. This is all a great omen I hope.
Now, what I actually feel like talking about lately my teenage drama, I don’t have much more to say, but Friday’s party is gonna hurt if B goes behind Marco. I really hated him today, but not because he is bad, but because I envy him. He doesn’t seem (to me, when I think about him negatively) to have any talent ar worth, and he isn’t someone specially warm or anything, he’s rather violent, yest everyone lives him, specially B. I’m so so jealous of him, and add it to the fact that I hated him last year (ngl, I still don’t like him tho I stand him) and I didn’t wanna see him again, it just makes my blood boil, but I wanna keep my cool because B gotta be happy, and not only B but everyone in class that sees him as a friend. I find it enraging that I work so hard to be someone on the social group and that boy does nothing and gets it. I guess this is how it feels to want something someone else has as a talent, this must be the same way my classmates feel when I pass tests and they fail. And honestly, tho it’s a repulsive feeling, I’m glad I’m feeling it, I’m understanding more bout other people amd it also makes me happy.
I’m very happy that my biggest problems at the moment are actual teenager romance problems, and not philosophical and depressive thoughts inside myself. It’s so much… easier, and less overwhelming.
What I wanted to point out is that all of this is my theory, my idealisation, my plans of how I wanna act and behave and how I want to change my personality into someone more sociable, but in practice it always changed, I gotta do the big test tomorrow in class.
I also remembered, I need friends outta school, and outta the 3s (who are slowly getting apart), otherwise I would still end up alone most of the time.
I remembered that coz I saw a story, B’s story, just a photo w someone else. He has so many friends he is never alone, yet I could count my friends with just one hand, that might be a reason why I feel so alone. And they are close friends ofc, but B’s friends are still close friends, and he opens more easily and people open more easily to him.
Also gotta say I kind understand why I had a bad time imagining myself opening up to the 3s, it’s because they’ve always known me as the depressive, random, kinda autistic but also paternal me and now I’m changing into someone “normal” (we also loved criticising normal people). So it’d feel like becoming a different person, and making their friend not dissapear but change. It’s just fear of rejection and judgement.
I also tried to imagine my life if I had gone to other school, never met someone, lived somewhere else and all that stuff. At the end, I was imagining what should I have done to be w B at the moment. I guess he did become my world, yet I’m just another one to him. I’m (kinda) sure if I had never met him, my life wouldn’t be so much different coz I would’ve fallen in love w someone else, but he is just such an angel that it feels impossible to imagine someone else like him.
I love mitski so fucking much.
I wanna cut my hair a bit, and I don’t know if I’ll paint it or get a piercing or do any more changes soon. What I can’t wait for is to get tattoos w classmates after we finish ib. They said if we got over 40 we’d be getting tattoos but hey, I wanna get a small one anyways. I don’t know if I want maybe a symbol like the euthymia eye at my back or a bouquet of flowers on my side.
Let’s see how I do the next few days.
p0:47
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