p0:09
Tody I was a Lil bit down, but it was very light and it’s not at all the same sad. It felt like a long day, maybe coz I stayed up till 5am before and then woke up at 1pm, but it feels weird that tomorrow is Sunday and not Monday.
So, regarding tomorrow thrift, neither Noa nor Sonia can go, so I’ll most surely stay at home, I might go if I really feel like it but my anxiety regarding been seen hasn’t improved as much as my mood or some other things.
I did the best 12k training I’ve ever done, I literally almost passed out in the shower. I can’t say if I enjoyed it or suffered it horrendously, but I’m a get more pressure and I felt like it was the last one, this battle is not over at all, and I can’t keep training so much. At the end I’ll have to do so anyways but well, damn I guess.
I wanna look better, but I had a small attack coz I don’t know how to dress and how to look in general. I wanna have some changes throughout white week. I don’t want to keep looking so bad all the time, I urge a change.
I still hate birthdays, they make me anxious and I don’t know what to get as present. That hasn’t changed a single bit.
I still hate family too. Today I told brother to not be too late to grandma’s (coz he always is) and he violently replied w “you can’t say that coz you didn’t go yesterday” I always go on time everyday and I didn’t punctually go yesterday coz I was talking, and he is always late, yet he attacked me with that. I despise every single thing of him and I will never forget him for everything, no matter how much CD I have.
Now, the reason why I might cry, my teenage drama. See, I’ve been checkmated.
So I like B, and turns out B happens to like Marco. Ofc, it had to be Marco (I even had a fight w myself coz of why him if he has nothing n that kinda toxic stupid thoughts). He prolly won’t choose, he appreciates both of us and I’m sure he’ll keep friendship w both, but if he had to, I’m officially outta the game. I stand no chance.
Also gotta add B has an absolute W rizz and gets a lot, I mean a lot. He is also pretty, intelligent and the beautiest person I’ve met (maybe ever). He’s so kind it’s obsessive, ofc he explained to me that he used to dapt his personality and stuff, but he’s naturally good. There is no bit if evil or bad in him, he can be angry and sad n stuff, but he is just an angel. I might be idealising him, and I most probably am, but that’s how I see him. He really does “find happiness in other people’s happiness”, and I don’t think he was lying at all when he told me so.
So, B likes Marco. I honestly have no idea if Marco would accept a relationship, I’ve always thought he was homophobic but he’s giving mixed signals since the beginning of the year. Anyways, the thing is B want to be w Marco. Add that to a few people like Gisela for example that have liked B. Just one more, and in his part of class, and someone who has had a convo w him till 5am, nope. It’d mess up his head for sure.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I won’t tell him anything bout my crush on him, and hopefully it’ll just go by. I’ll even help him shoot his shots n stuff, and support them if it works. That’s gonna hurt a lot but hey pain is something I’m good at. I want to forget him, fall in love w someone else I can actually be in a relationship with.
This conclusion has a reason: I’m so in love with him I’d prefer him to be happy w someone else than to not be so happy with me. I believe everybody is better than me and Marco is no exception, so he should be the one loved by B.
In reality I obviously want to be with B, I love him tremendously, but I told my self to be a good person, and what I just said is what a good person would think and do. If I have to martyr myself to be good, I’ll do it. I’ll just suffer and hope someone ever recognises my efforts to be a better person. If I don’t know if I’m good or bad, I’ll just act as a good person so I’m good in any case.
But I’m really down bad for him tho, kinda rough.
Actually, I’d like to cry because of it. I haven’t cried in a while, and it’d be great to cry for actually teenager problems than to cry for clinical depression. That’d be a huge CD point. Also, crying actually helps I believe.
Gotta mention that small fear that I still have of everything being a lie and everyone being really fake. Ex: B actually being an asshole or sum like that. I now take it as impossible for the sake of my happiness, but it’s still there.
I did basically nothing all day, but it’s been a different kind of unproductive. Yes, I haven’t done any homework nor studied anything, but I didn’t feel as miserable as I’ve always felt (only a little bit). That’s a lotta pregress I’m doing very fast.
p0:32
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