15/2/23 in Myself

p0:24

Im tired of thinking, and I got a cold.

I started the day horrible, I didn’t wanna get up and was overall agonic, I even thought bout suicide again, really bad. However, I did not feel bad after the afternoon. It’s the first time I don’t have a whole horrible day after beginning so bad, it was just normal, it felt normal.

Thoughts:

1. OK so hunger. I can do a metaphor w hunter and friends. I am suffering, gying of hunger because I have no friends, so I desperately look for food (relationships, friends, people). It’s easy to keep it cool when you have food regularly, but when you lack it, you go desperate and do everything looking for it. That’s why I snek into convoys, change my personality and all of that, to get friends. I feel like they won’t feed me so I have to survive get food by myself, even if I look desperate, coz I am. Now, two types of people: the ones that do anything, creepy as it has to be, for friends (getting into convoys really vasto, interrupting people and joining for not reason) and the ones that die of hunger in silence, doing nothing or too little, to not worry others. Idk which one I am. I felt like the second one, but now I see I might be number one.

2. I can’t stop eating sugar, I need it to work, I have no energy, and now w the cold it’s worse.

3. Just finished a phylo dissertation. I live phylo class and impopular opinión marina is awesome coz she always know what she’s talking bout. We saw a Nietzsche documental, that guy was wild, pretty cool. The dissertation very resumed: we are not free because.
   Someone free would never question if they are free.
   Social rules and stuff, we pushed into choosing certain things.
   Determinism, we matter, and everything is predictable, there’s no choices.

4. Looking forward to playing monopoly w the 3s on Sunday, after thrift. I wanna hang out w them but just like that, I don’t feel like talking all my problems because I don’t see them like romantically or anything, also believe it’d be kinda uncomfortable. Maybe I’m just missoginist, and if I am I don’t wannna be. I thought the solution to misogyny should exist, and missoginists should be able to change, so I hope the 3s hope with that possible problem blem just by hanging ouo. I also determined our frouo is going down coz each of us is tryinna get their own friends. Noa did great, Sonia is kinda cool as well, I appear good to them too. It’s not catastrophic, just less bffs and more ocasional going out and doing stuff, it’s not the same but it’s at least sum.

5. I think M4 doesn’t wanna see me at Carr, and it’s not like I love having someone I know next to me, so we (kinda) ignore each other. I believe a lot of relationships work like this. I just found out.

6. I believe I’m actually making progress. I think so much everyday my head hurts. I’m becoming more active and fighting for my things, always keeping out of the line (that caused me anxiety today, I’m too close to the line of being annoying).

7. The ee and ai are going horrible, got no idea, it’s for this week. I’m going well w ib and I don’t think I need to study much, but choosing topics is horrid.

8. I read instead of ig or tiktok, I feel great about that. It wasn’t so hard. I wanna keep it up.

9. Maybe the group costume was a joke, I hope it wasn’t. If it wasn’t I’d be extremely happy, if it was, then I expected it, and I’m a try to find out before thrift on Sunday.

10. B and Paula answered a note on ig. Just wanted to notice it coz it made me happy. Even tho I distrust B coz he close w everyone and all of that. But Paula is fine, she’s hella pessimistic and prolly a Fi user, but she’s fun.

p0:44