14/2/23 in Myself

23:17
No valentines or shit, just more low hits. I’m a number coz a lotta stuff happened.

1. I feel horrible for not remembering everything and not writing down everything. Every mildly philosophical talk I have or hear is very important to me, but I only happen to write down like a tenth part of everything that happens due to my memory and my exhaustion. I wanna write down more and less developed, coz I think its my work to just understand what I meant in the future.

2. Horridly jealous of Marco. He ain’t even trying to make friends, he just does nothing, a full on npc. But B noticed him and talk to him and treats him well and stuff. And S and J also talk to him. HE DOES NOTHING TO GET FRIENDSHIPS AND JSUT SITS THERE BEING HELLA DUMB AND NEGATIVE AND GETS WHAT I’M SO HARD WORKING ON. WHAT DAIES HE HAVE THAT I DON’T? WHY NOT ME? I love text screaming. But this is realistically how I feel when B laughs w Marco. It feel like my chest is getting squeezed, and I feel extremely exalted and angry but also unable to move all at the same time.

3. I wanted to stay home tomorrow and not train coz there’s a minimum chance of B not having music class and getting out of class, which is near my house. He didn’t tell me anything, I just made this info up coz his teacher left last Wednesday for an hour or two. The mere chance of seeing him and spending one on one time was extremely precious. I’m actually forced to go training (by father ofc), if he calls me or anything and he actually didn’t have class, istg someone’s dying at home, idk if father or me.

4. Training. There’s a lotta pressure on me and I’m physically tired. That’s it. Bonus: today mid training (I had being going for 8 or 9 loops non-stop) I heard M4 (strongly believe it was her) saying “He hasn’t stopped yet, what lungs does he have!?”, I’m almost 100% sure she was referring to me. It made me feel great ngl.

5. I want to treat mom better, and I wanna talk to her bout idk, stuff in general. Not father tho, everytime I remotely think of giving him a minimum chance, he becomes as horrible and stupid as always. He doesn’t shut the fuck up, he’s exhausting, I don’t stand him for a single second. He’s officially a lost cause Nd I’ve declared him like that hundreds of times before.

6. Class, haven’t studied at all lately but still passing everything. Today Bogdan gave me my lesson getting an 80 on chem, while I got a 75 (I thought I got a 90+). I didn’t feel good, but I don’t feel like competing either.

7. I’m tired of wasting my time. My goals, things I have to do but that I delay because “we’ll see through time” are dressing and looking better, and learning stuff. First one, I’ll go thrift asap and talk to mom to get my skin better and that kinda stuff. Second one, I’m a try to real and learn more. If thing go really well I might ask for a guitar, B plays an instrument ifc I have to play one.

8. We had a small debate bout love on language class today. Can’t remember everything basically talked bout how love is/isn’t essential, diff kinds of love, ways of showing affection and idealising people or relationships. I lit don’t remember where I wanted to go w this. Basically, as I have never felt reciprocal love (that’s what I wanted to point out), I can’t explain or understand those love relationships. I only feel attraction or admiration, and nothing in return.

9. I planned on sleeping less, but I lit woke up today and felt like those shit mornings so idk. Maybe 6-7h is still too bad for me, even tho it’s actually a lot.

10. I feel like in living the same dy over and over again, and actually having a NG no development. I’ll se this better on perspective some time after this, and I hope I’m not, but maybe it’s all tm paranoia and my problems repeating themselves over and over again everyday.

11. Big thought today. If I could restart my life but keep my knowledge/experience accumulated I’d prolly, almost surely, do it. Maybe it’s perfectionism and maybe that contributes to me being a bad guy, but I just feel like I’d like to do it. Just being able to go back in time in general would be awesome. If I could, the first thing that comes to tm mind is going back to September and becoming closer w B and S. Ofc, such a childish action. They wouldn’t like me Anyways since I’m kinda ugly and not-trusty looking, so it’d be same situation as now. I consider myself very childish lately, having this unconscious desires that I can’t fulfill.

12. B, that desire. I’ve said it, but wanna remark. Completely out of my league. I also started to make myself doubt him n stuff, but I still got that crush.

13. Today Nils mentioned to someone else (I was overhearing people, as usual) that he had fear of the pass of time, I was like “Shit, that one’s mine” but I guess it’s OK. It was just weird that someone came to my same conclusion.

14. Very drown with homework and shi, lit have no ide on ee and ias and stuff, and gotta get topic for aftertomorrow.

15. Almost forgot, I heavily thought bout killing myself lately, I most surely will not, but I crave help and attention. “If I could commit suicide without dying physically, I would”. Like I want people (I want B, and people I like and want to be close with)
    to see on how deplorable of a state I am, and that I’m vulnerable and all that. It’s like sh thought. What I want is people to care bout me. That is totally something a horrible guy would do.

16. I strongly believe lately that I’m in fact a bad guy. But if I’m a bad guy, why can’t I try to be happy, so I just have to suffer and live alone so others don’t have to suffer me. I never thought of defending bad people but now I’m doing so coz I gotta defend myself. Do bad people deserve to live a lonely/generally sad life? And WHAT makes them bad people? I’ve asked myself these questions many times, but still don’t know the answer. This is one those “time will tell” moment that I’m starting to hate.

23:49