23:55
Many reflections, specially negative. Let’s get to it.
First, the bad guy debate again. I thought this: when did my life go wrong? What did I do wrong? If I did something wrong, it’s unchangeable. Maybe it was destined to me baciase I’m a bad guy. Anyways what I mean is. I’m also selective with the people I talk to, and maybe that makes me a bad person. When Isis or Saray talk to me, ofc I talk back and that, but I act more as an npc coz I don’t really like them. In the same way, people might not like me, and I’m pushing and pushing for things that are impossible. Well, again I men that I “discriminate people” and this time it’s consciously. I’m also pretty fake, at first it was a defence mechanism, but at the end I’m accepting it as some sort of new social part of my personality. Even the fact that I’m writing this s if I were the victim or completely right is something fake and toxic. I must never forget all I right is subjective and irrationally twisted to make me seem like the good guy. Again, all of this because I want to appear on good eyes to anyone that reads this because, again, I irrationally think and want to show this to anyone I love/have a crush on/anyone in general that I believe deserves to see all my secrets. In this case, at the moment, it would be B if it weren’t because my neurotic ism is making me not trust him.
Now onto B. First gotta say that today I even sat with S and B on the same table on history class. In fact, it was a good dy in terms of sociability, not absolutely awesome, but decently good. The twist is, B and S are best friends, that are always together, and it’s not even a closed group, it’s a one on one relationship that I’ll never enter (or at least I lost the hope of having one like theirs). Every time they sit together and talk so naturally like they are so comfortable with each other, it hurts me more and more. It makes me lose the will to keep trying to make friends and get integrated into the group coz it makes my efforts feel useless. But I still keep trying, I have blind hope, I have to get obsessed with an objective and kill myself for it. Even tho all this it was a decently not so bad day. I am tired af.
I thought bout killing myself lately. My argument was that, at the end, everyone (at least except mom, father and punctual exceptions) would forget me, and I’d become just a story instead of an individual. I mean, I’m prescindible. Nd I don’t want to be just unimportant and worthless. So I also thought bout sh, like physical, but that’d be prolly some of the worst shit I’d had ever done. At that point, it would be cutting myself just to show someone the scars and hope I get love and comfort in return. It’s hurting others and myself just to feel satisfied. It’s be horrible and I don’t want to, tho the intrusive thought occasionally comes through, as well as suicide.
I’m not studying at all, but I’m still doing great in that part. But I’m still worried bout the EE and IAs and stuff, literally this week is the theme election and I don’t even know wtf I’m doing. Anyways, I’m a try to read less mamga and stuff and start hitting you know what (Dostoevsky and Naranjo) from time to time.
I keep fantasising about scenarios where B comes to my house and we hug and love eachother n stuff. In fact, today I claimed to myself that he’s officially out of my league. First of all I’m not physically at his level (I’m working on it, I’ll get my face fixed and buy clothing this few weeks hopefully, white week is in 12 days, just gotta hang till then). Also, he’s just so sociable, again, he talk to everyone, I’m just one more, and I have no chances. My intuition also tells me he likes someone else or at least would like to be with someone else and will like them in the future. I need friends or someone outside school I think, because this group friend might be a bit too closed, and I still feel alone. Don’t get me wrong, I really like them, but tho I’m still trying and not losing hope, there’s a chance this doesn’t work or works not as well as I wanted. Maybe I’m just a messes grade friend and not a best friend of the group or sum like that. Anyways in still a one, slightly happy and with some hope but alone. I also wondered and fantasised about going to the beach on summer nights w that group.
I’m very cold lately, and I might even get sick. It’d be funny to lose both the carnival next Friday (the one where we’ll go chainsaw man group cos play, or hopefully we will, because my neuroticism is telling me it was all a joke and they’ll do something by themselves and I’ll have to find a costume for myself) and the championship (all es) on Sunday.
I’m tired but I wanna read and learn more and change myself, and I don’t have time. Time flies lately.
p0:20
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