23:12
Didn’t do anything but play and watch anime all day. I loved Elfen Lied.
Things: I had a small chronophobia/melancholy attack. I’ll never be able to experience yesterday again, and that made me sad. Now that I feel happy, and I believe I’m doing better w this of having friends, I wish I was like this long ago, I’ve felt like this a lot but I can’t help to feel I have wasted a big part of my life. But I’m happy everything is going better. I hd this feeling that I’m just a grain of insignificant sand. My first thought was, how can I become something else. But a grain of sand will always be that and nothing more, always unimportant and something to be forgotten. I remember writing at the beginning because I was scared of being forgotten, and now I’ve resolved on in being unavoidable. The thought led me to this: if I’m always gonna be a grain of sand, at least I’ll try to be happy. Agin, I’ll play it dumb. The same way some grains of sand don’t even think bout what they are, Imma act like I never knew. I’ll try to live a normal live, 8 m8ght regret it, and I can’t just go full on hard changes and I might not do same tomorrow, but that like the ideal scenario for me. I’ll try to get slightly close to it from time.
What else, the only thing that bothers me physically (apart from my hair, which ills urely cut and model soon, keeping it long) is my skin, and how grey it stays. I wanna have more melanin, and less hair. I’ll actively ask for something if I have to. It feels uncomfortable writing this. I ola have a decently good shape, tho I still wanna look a bit better so I’ll keep up the gym.
I got this new idea, maybe I feel uncomfortable and unconsciously filter what I write bdcause I’m actually planing or considering the possibility of showing this to somebody else, and not in a far future. That would be like making my soul naked, and I ofc have to defend myself from this ngs even before that happen. I’m in fact extremely weak and even the slightest can affect me. I’m not unbothered internally, but I externally don’t manifest it.
Hopefully, tomorrow at school goes well and I talk more to S, B, J and those people from yesterday. Tomorrow’s update will be important, is this “character arc” change helping and working?
I still feel a bit tired but I gotta keep going, I will still pressure myself quite a lot, but a slight bit less than this last week, it was mortal.
23:24
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