p1:39
Ok, many things. One thing i wanna start with is that, even tho everything i make are reflections on negative stuff of myself, im actively trying to improve my life and get out of depression and misery. I sometimes go against my own self and will, and ll i talk about are bad things, but im actually at my best, and i think im overall going to better, even if some days a are bad.
Now, maybe my purpose is recognition. I do thing because I want people to recognise my efforts. And most importantly, my suffering holding. I hold all my pain so that people will (hopefully, because this is related to the attention thing) understand what I’m going through and recognise me for not letting anyone get affected. Or otherwise, I let people see my pain and suffering by small details like looking tired so they recognise my situations and think like “Oh, how strong, all he’s going through adn he’s still standing”. It’s a very toxic trait, and as all of my toxic behaviours, I tried to find a logical response to avoid it and keep going at the same time. My resolution, I hold my pain, but not for recognition , if anyone asks me stuff I’ll most surely explain it. I will completely avoid acting like the victim on any situation. I will do it to not affect the social environment, and fake it till you live it. I’ll ignore my negative mind and keep going till I am happy. I’m happy to say I did it successfully today.
More, B. Today in the birthday there was this new “character” I’ll talk bout later, Ivan. So you may remember B told me once he was seeing a boy. I thought before that it was him, maybe I also said it. OK, so today I think I kinda maybe confirmed it, like I heavily believed it for 2-3 hours like completely sure but know its just very likely and not sure. The thing is this had 2 effects: First one, I felt extremely assured and confident on my intuition, I trust it a lot more now, and that’s great. Second one, extreme envy. He hugs him, talks to him and is very close and loving, a bit more than w anyone else. The thing, he’s as fucking autistic as me. He literally sat on a bench and played chest. He is also kinda short and not extremely handsome. He doesn’t fulfill at all the beauty standard of slightly muscular boy that I believed B liked. He’s a bit more like me, in terms of personality, and if I didn’t look homeless and were shorter he’d also appear similar. He’s so close with everyone and so loving, and my love craving ass wants some, but I can’t. He gives love to everyone and I can’t ask for more, he’s just too good for me, can’t get that boy. I just don’t wanna think bout it, huge crush.
Didn’t go thrift, too much wind. It’s horrible that I can’t buy clothing, I needed it a lot. But at least I may not need that costume, they told me today to go group cos play as chainsaw man, I’d be makima (hell yeah).
Related to that, today was a full on success. I was scared I might not be so close w J to be on his birthday, but I ended up getting closer w B, S, J, that boy Nacho and this new guy Ivan (that I had seen before in school and B birthday, but never talked to). The other new character, Paula, asked me on ig some weeks ago, I rejected request, she asked me again and I accepted it but didn’t talk. She’s cool, kinda pessimistic and quiet and passive aggressive, but it’s one of those people that live angry and she’s cool anyways (she’s a virgo).
I really hated today not being able to remember things. I might not remember this day, and I’ll never live it again. The same way that I don’t remember well to her times where I stayed in the street with more people till 1am. We meowed to random people in the street after being meowed. I eat at a kebab with 19 people. I walked A LOT (home there 1h, then from place to place, and then back home, my legs are destroyed). I’m scared I might not remember all of this, but it’s precious feeling that I have. Chronophobia slightly kicked, but not too much. I’m scared I’ll have a backdown soon, but at least today was absolutely great.
As always, I’m working on looking less homeless and learning things. Specially magic. Tho I’m very inefficient w school and watching anime and playing. But I’m pressuring myself less (except for training, I heavily hit myself w exercise and gym).
I’m very happy today, I made a lot of progress on myself and friend groups, some week ago I was destroyed because they’d be doing a group cosplay and now it’s me who is part of that group, hopefully this dy will have positive consecuenced on my relationship with those guys, they are great.
Dead, gotta sleep.
p2:02
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