Pumpkin Spice No.3 in The Story

That is, the third day in a row I have rolled into Starbucks for one. I promise I'm not going to do this tomorrow (I think).

I decided to start one of these to sort my thoughts out and help me figure out my life. I'm at a really interesting/terrifying stage right now...I just graduated from college last week, really last week! I "walked" and everything in May, but was three credits short. I had to take a CLEP exam to finally finish my degree and I put it off all summer until now. It was the "Information Systems and Computer applications" one. I was so worried I wasn't going to pass as the test is 100 dollars and you can only take it once every six months. So I crammed the way I usually do, and was lucky to pass with a 57/100 (you need 50). I'm expecting my diploma soon..finally. Only took me five years...

I went to school in New York City. I am originally from a suburb of Minneapolis and now that I've finished school I am back here living at home and don't have a job yet. I was living in an apartment in Manhattan and working all summer and throughout college I worked, volunteered, went to class, and all of that shit. And now it's all gone. Im out of the city, out of the working world, out of school. So weird.

It looks like a depressed person lives here. One of my suitcases is still sitting on a chair. I started cleaning out my closet yesterday but only halfway finished, now I have wire...hangers....all...over...my...floor. YOU KNOW HOW I HATE WIRE HANGERS * beats something *

This is the presenting problem: I don't know what to do now.

I majored in Psychology. This was me being practical in the beginning. I didn't care what I was going to do when I got done and figured Psychology degrees could do most stupid jobs which is only sort of true. (I'll get to that later)

Then I moved to a competitive city in a competitive school and my practical aspirations turned into me being set on getting my PhD. You don't do well in Psychology at my school without aspiring to be a doctor. So I followed that rule and did everything I could to fit the criteria of a PhD candidate. I pick Social Psychology because I don't want to deal with people. I would rather deal with theories and statistics and articles. I felt/feel like it is my only option as I have no desire to be a social worker or a counselor.

Well that's not entirely true either I guess. I would look into doing those things, I just don't think I'd be very good at it. Going on to school for that is a big step to take for someone who isn't sure.

I am sure I'd love to be in a PhD program because you get funded and you get the highest degree possible (take that, everybody who called me stupid and an underachiever). But once I get it..I have to teach. Could I do that? I mean I will MOST LIKELY HAVE to teach. Plus...PhD is six years and I do not really want to go to the University of Minnesota..this means six years somewhere else. Could I handle it? I get restless. I'm a Sagittarius. Oh jeez. I am an aspiring scientist that just used Astrology as an excuse for my personality.

I have a 3.3 or 3.4 GPA (I dont remember) This isn't good enough, so my applying is just going to be hoping they will accept me anyway, which is always shitloads of fun to think about!

My GRE score needs to be near perfect and lolz I haven't really studied at all. I need to take it next month.

The funny part is I have had three weeks (exactly three weeks since I moved home today) of doing NOTHING and I haven't studied or even bloody unpacked.

I don't even know what I've been doing.

I need money. I miss my friends in New York and I want to go back for my birthday next month but before I do that I need to make money. Applying for jobs gives me so much anxiety that I almost have a panic attack just typing "Minneapolis jobs BA Psychology" into my search box. I am registered with a temp agency as of a couple of days ago but so far I haven't set up a job with them yet and it's questionable as to if there really is anything they want to give me.

Then this happened: I recently discovered a career path that I want to do more and more every day. Library Sciences and Archiving. I especially find Film Archiving and Preservation interesting.

These programs make me feel overqualified. UCLA accepts 70% of applicants into this program. It makes me feel hopeful, not so scared like these PhD programs make me. But do I really want to do it or is this my "easy way out?"

I don't know. I spend 90% of my free time watching old movies, or looking at old and rare bookstores. I have an obsession with the golden age of Hollywood, and last night I mourned the loss of the 1926 incarnation of the Great Gatsby, and watched the one minute trailer about 27 times. I always considered my love for all things old as just a quirk, but thinking about making a career out of it really entices me. But I've spent the last five years of my life preparing for a career in Psychology. I know nothing about this archiving thing. I just found out about it a few weeks ago. I tend to be impulsive and I feel like this last minute career change is just bait for my impulsive personality.

Applications are due in December (for the PhDs). I am almost 99% sure I will not make it in anywhere which is a downer. Then again its my fault for spending the last three weeks plus most of the summer not studying. For these next couple of weeks I need to carefully consider my options. Hopefully this journal will help.

I'm also trying to be a more positive person. I am so cemented in my cynical ways that breaking free of that is going to be so hard but I do believe it's for the best.

It is a really beautiful evening. I love fall, especially when it's cloudy and windy, but not too cold to go outside and enjoy it.

Alright well that's all for my first entry. I have never had something like this before so I don't know if people read or not but if you have, I applaud you and apologize for how boring it is. Then again, I like reading about people's lives, and I look forward to seeing what other people on here have to say.

~LB