p0:05
What I wanted to say yesterday is that I had n excuse to act “weird”. See, when you try to get inside a group, it might feel like an intrusion. I already explained how I try not to look like an intruder by adapting. It’s same as when I’m talking w a friend and a random joins, I feel intruded too. The thing is, I had an “excuse” because I’m doing Ti consciously, thinking about my actions and trying to socialize and get friends, not irationally getting inside a convo and looking for attention. I have a “shield against their blame” if they ever said I was boring or that didn’t like me or anything, I was alone and trying to get better. But if I also reject talking to people I don’t like (and maybe they don’t like me even after adaptation), they’d be excused on rejecting me, and that scares me.
Well, today I feel at the edge of physical misfunctioning. Birthday tomorrow. I feel horrible bout the B problem, with jealousy n stuff.
I kinda like this “character arc” tho, ngl. It’s either my best time ever or my worst time ever, and I’ve been worse so…
p0:10
p1:06
Two thought with no more development coz I’m tired.
I feel bad bout opening up to B because everyone opens to him, so my mind makes me believe everyone is vulnerable coz they can’t resist B’s power of opening people (it’s supernatural, he’s like such a calm essence or something idk). I want to appear as strong and un bothered irrationally, so I don’t let myself open to him.
I’ve been feeling extreme melancholy for all the people I won’t see again, and all the things that ngs I’ll never experience again. It doesn’t need to be sum special thing. Just reflect on this: you never look exactly the same everyday, the wind also blows differently, you never walk the same way nor cross see the same clouds. All that ngs are unrepairable and can only be experienced once.
This goes along that thing of “every day I’m a different person, today’s Me has to see forward to how will the circumstances be for tomorrow’s Me” If I suffer today and do homework, I might be happy tomorrow, if I’m happy today, I might suffer tomorrow doing homework. Also, you never act the same way so it’s a slightly changed personality. It’s a few details that changed but it’s a whole different person.
p1:12
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