A little more loco than usual in 2023

Welllll it’s been a weird week.

Craig is bothering me about getting another dog ASAP. Archie hasn’t even been dead a week, can we just chill on this for a bit? I cannot emotionally attach myself to another animal yet. I can’t go through that again. Not so soon.

Craig just got a nice promotion and raise. I told him he can pay for the next dog, since all of Archie’s expenses were on me. I saved a few thousand at the vet hospital due to a healthcare worker discount, but the total was just shy of $18,000. Yeesh.

So I had a horrible anxiety attack on Wednesday. Had to leave a visit without even doing an assessment on this poor woman. I think it blossomed into a full fledged panic attack because I legitimately thought I was going to die. I got home and threw myself into bed with a heated blanket, I was shivering so bad. Eventually slept for a few minutes, then woke up to vomit and sweat… rinse and repeat. I’d taken a Xanax earlier in the day which was not at all helpful so I just had to ride it out. But then it turned into a migraine and I was throwing up that night so I called out of work the following day.

I feel really unhinged lately. Since the dog died, and I’m sure trauma is a factor but good lord. I didn’t think I’d feel this crazed over it. I’ve had thoughts like “I wish I was dead so I could see Archie.” I haven not thought about hurting myself, though I have been having intrusive thoughts. I was holding a pair of kitchen scissors and leaning into the living room to talk to Craig and I thought, “Maybe I’ll slip and fall and land on the scissors. Or maybe they’ll cut my wrist.” I’ve never had thoughts like that before. So vivid.

I’ve been restless, listless, dissociating. I feel flighty, yet numb. I feel paralyzed and anxious. I took a Xanax this morning and still can’t say I feel right. I feel like I’m spiraling. At my last session with my psychiatrist, she suggested increasing my lexapro to 15 if I felt like I needed to. I toyed with the idea for a little bit, but generally felt okay. I decided to increase it, started last night. So I know it won’t kick in right away. I used to feel numb, which I didn’t totally mind. I’d be like, “I know this situation is sad and I should be crying but I’m not.” But Archie broke me, man. And now I just feel really out of control.

So here’s hoping for some positive changes. Very little has been bringing me joy lately. I just want to sleep as much as I can. And have like no contact with people. I only had three patients to see today, which was great. I was finished and done with my charting before 1, so I came home and read in bed for a little and then doom scrolled. Not the best way to spend an afternoon, but not the worst. I felt comfortable, at least.