p0:45
Pretty late, needless to day that I’m at my muscular limit, I trained like shut today, but I’m also mentally depraved of sleep n stuff, I have a hard time think about NG and remembering things. Fast again.
Thinking and thinking all the time is exhausting.
First, philosophy. If I were to talk bou everything I think bout in class that take years, just small details now. We gotta write a composition, are we free? Imma go for the No POV, my argument, we are matter and we have to follow the rules of movement and interaction of the universe. You know chaos theory? It is predictable, however, it’s so hard to predict that we don’t have the means for it, but it IS predictable, just on a whole bother scale. I’m deterministic and I believe we are not free. Everything we will do and everything that will happen is determined by the state of everything before such events, it is all supposed to happen, from a rock falling from a cliff, to my neurons doings synapsis on such a way that I’ll pass a certain exam with exactly a 8.5, to also the teacher writing that same exam with the questions he found on a website written by another roper n who synapses in that way. Everything is written, tho it’s so extremely hard to read we believe we are free, but it’s all determined. We may be living things, but on practical affairs we are matter and are no different from a rock or a star, all carried by the laws of movement and interaction.
B passed the match Olympics, I did not. I wa svery happy for him because he seemed very happy, but I felt horrible. I believe I talked bout this. The thing is, I consider in doing the right thing with that action because: my hate for myself, anger and begatuve feeling are there, and I believe no one can blame me for Having them, they are my natural response, and in any case they’d blame and hate me for showing them or attacking someone. So by repressing them and greeting B and stuff, I believe I become a bit of a better person, I inhibit my negative feeling so that don’t affect other people, O do this everyday, and this leads to another point.
Recognition of good actions, is it worth it if I do “good” or “bad” things all the time, but no one is there to see it. As Iwakura Lain said, “If no one remembers you, then you didn’t exist”, the same goes for action, if you do something but there’s no prove or recognition, it’s as it never happened. I’m not a strong enough person to go around doing the good without being recognised, but I still passively do by just smiling and pretending to be happy everyday.
This are my two selves in that matter.
1. The one who smiles and talks to people kindly in class n stuff, acting normal kinda noc, just getting into the group and surviving day after day.
2. The one who shows it’s sadness and all that, not two vent (I have thought myself how to live pretty much without venting) but to get attention.
The good vs the bad. I try to keep my good side consciously, but I irrationally get “bad” because I feel alone and horrible, and I crave friends and attention from my similars.
Everyday this B things get worse. He laid his head on Marco’s shoulder today (he lays his head on everyone, even me some time) and I felt horrible. I feel like I can’t keep going but I will, let’s see how long I can resist, by fortune or disgrace I think all the Bach program. See, I’m again romanticising and enjoying suffering.
Good/bad person debate. OK, so B and S they talk more between them than w me. I do the same w Mara when Laura is at training. I don’t like Mara at all she’s a full choni, I treat her kindly and try to move near Laura when she arrives. I kinda leave her on read. They do a similar thing to me (less heavy), the only dif is that I don’t think they hate me. It’s so hard to get into closed friends group. I resolved I might need friends outside school, but I still gorra focus on them. Also planning to socialize on J’s birthday this Saturday, Nils said “wtf are people who don’t know him doing on his party” and I feel horrible, I enparanoied again ofc. I was invited and I kinda know him, it’s just that I’m not close, but now I believe he might now even see me like a far friend and everything will be uncomfy and I don’t want that.
It’s horrible to live my own life according to others. I want to fit, and I drive my life so other people like me. It’s very humbling. I’ve fallen really low.
Want a prettier body, I’m a eat bit less. I’m having a hard time doing any muscle work, I’m on the verge of physical collapse. No gym. Some stretching tho.
I feel very cold, and I’m sleepy and tired. I feel overall alone. However, even when everything should make me depressed, I felt kinda ok today, might be on the top of the roller-coaster, I’ll prolly have a relapse soon.
That was the last thing I forgot. I’m a trust my intuition more, I’ll let it be a confirmed reason for anything. Yesterday I thought I’d see Mavi and I saw her. Idk, that was my cue.
p1:07
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