p0:02
It’s now Thursday, feliz jueves. I believe if anyone I know finds this, it’s because they were searching so it doesn’t make sense to keep hiding some names and shit.
Don’t even need to remind of how tired I am. I forget many things, my head hurts and my body feel tired and weak. Anyways, don’t want an essay every night lesgo.
So, the good or bad people debate and stuff. OK, so I believe in what I defined as a bad person, because I try to get attention and want people to love me and change my personality to fit and stuff. But then, if I’m concious about it and all of they, and I do all of this for a “good cause/objective (fitting in the group)” and also help classmates and people with shit when that ask, am I really a bad person. I came to the conclusion that it depends, it depends on Wether people find out or not.
See, if I’m bad but everybody is “bad” as well (like now, everyone has flaws and are different n shi, it’s not that they are bad, but that I can’t fit being the “good” myself) and no one even things about the fact that I had to change my whole personality and stuff just to be loved, it’d be as if I were always the fake me. So it’s a win, nobody is bad to nobody.
I’d they do find out, then you can be seen as false and therefore bad by someone.
See, my own moral values tell me to be true to myself, but that means most surely living alone and not fitting. If I do so, and people understand that I never changed myself to fit, that I’m someone trie and sure bout myself, that’s a huge confidence boost, but I’m none of that. If they don’t find out, game over and you become a loner. So even tho my heart tells me it’s wrong thing, I gotta adapt myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not planning to change a single bit, I want tk be s true as possible, but I’ll just be a bit more extroverted and friendly. Not only me, I’m also questioning if everyone is as good as they appear to my delusional eyes, everybody holds secrets and maybe some people aren’t even as good friends as they look like. That might be just my neurosis. One of my great fear rn is B not being a good person, but ofc that is one of my concious unthinkables at the moment.
Tody was kinda good for socialisation. Happening: OK so I was getting ready to go training at mom’s home (I ended up training as shit, all alone, because of how tired I am), and B called me and messaged me and stuff. So I get to Carranque, and call him. His music school teacher wasn’t there today so he had some free time, and since I live next to the conservatory he asked me to go hang out or do homework or whatever. That would’ve made me the happiest person in the world, but I wasn’t there.
Now I’m hoping next Wednesday the situation repeats. I’m already imagining and idealising doing homework with B at home and just him being in my room (which is hella messy). I have such a huge crush on him and I’m such a delusional slut that I’ll surely get pretty that day just in case (nothing will happen, and I know perfectly). I’ve spent all day imagining scenarios.
Also gotta say B classified on match Olympics, I didn’t. It made me really jealous but I gotta admit B is a bit better at math than me, and I also didn’t hand out all the papers (I found a whole solution in my notebook between sheets so it’s one less whole point, I was out) so my chnces were almost none. But Anyways I still feel jealous, happy for him because he seemed happy, but also sad and angry with myself because I couldn’t do something.
Everytime (specially academically) that I don’t succeed (I have huge expectations of myself, always gotta be the best) I feel awful. I didn’t fully do one exercise on the tech exam (got 1/2 points) and I felt horrible becuase I didn’t know what to do on a problem, even when I was the best grade. Today, math, those things looked like Chinese wth, I had no idea bout those exercises, fucking vectors. It is a horrible feeling that fills me up and doesn’t let me breath.
I’m pressuring myself to eat less stuff to lose fat. I think I’m at a point where no matter how much gym I do, the productivity (improval) is minimum because I have fat covering the potential twink-6 pack I want. It’s one of those productivity limits we’re the return for an action suddenly becomes way smaller and it becomes less rewarding, so you gotta find abother way through it.
I’m happy to sy I think that is all for today. I also feel really anxious bout EE and Math exploration n class stuff like reports, but I don’t have the energy.
Also, that party is on 2 weeks, and Jesus birthday is on Saturday. I believe mom would hate this, but I might drink a bit on both times. I’ll be very careful ecause you never k ow if you have some addiction genes or whatever.
Gotta sleep more, my eyes look bad.
p0:25
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