23:52
I literally need mitski playing for writing this things. I have never felt so tired. Small ounctualitations of today (remember I’ll try to talk less bout happening and more bout thoughts)
I kinda like training when it goes good, but when I overdo myself (specially if I’ve eaten badly the days before) my chest starts hurting and I feel lacking air. It is extremely awful, I hate that feeling. It happened today and it made me think “my heart has been going non-stop for all TeSe years, no matter what happened, and it feel like is boutta stop now all of a sudden”. It wasn’t explicitly painful, but it made me anxious and uncomfortable and it was an overall disgusting feeling.
I literally don’t feel like writing a whole extended essay every day, so I’ll be fast, I couldn’t even do much gym today, that’s how tired I’ve been.
First point: Nelle. OK, so I really want to talk to her but that’s because I think I idealised her person, she might not (surely she isn’t) be how I imagine her, and it’ll a “deception” to talk to her. What I mean is that I expect a total soulmate, and the best thing she might even be is a normal friend and that’s it. I also don’t wanna talk to her because maybe I just go back to her because I feel alone and bored, I don’t wanna use her as a resource to calming my lonelyness. I resolute in not talking to her by now, and waiting to see how I go with my in-class potential friends (point 2) and maybe change the resolution in a future, but not by now.
Second thing: It went good today, I acted slightly more happy and active and I had “a lot of interactions” (I acted like an average social person). I even saw I and she waved at me. Idk, all actions seem to augur good future relationships, but I feel a bad omen.
Also, everytimr I see S and B together (well, and Marco and more people but specially the 2 of them) it feel like I’m getting stabbed in the heart, and they are pushing the knife deeper and deeper. It feel as if all my effort in being sociable and fitting in the group is instantly erased by their extremely higher charisma, and the fact that they are now closed groups. Ideally, I wish to be with them, and I wish they treated me as an actual friend and not as “Nemo” or “a classmate” or “a cool guy” or any title.
I want to hang out, talk and do happy teenager stuff, and not spend nights up trying to figure out how to be accepted.
Again, I feel like I have to write a whole extended essay every night, and I always forget like 90%of the thought I had throughout the day. I’ll try to just mention points and develop them less, I’ll prolly repeat them usually on diff days.
My relationship with suffering. I suffer and I feel sad, and all that, and I hate it, but I somehow still feel like that. Ofc it might be because it’s a chronic mental disease but I also believe I unconsciously get myself into internal debates, problems and shit like that, because after a live of suffering I have learned how to find joy in it. It’s kinda estoic ngl, but it’s awful. I consciously want to live a normal, pathetic teenager life, but one you discover how pathetic it is, and how suffering can make you satisfied it becomes an addiction. The thing is, what I feel after suffering is more similar to sexual pleasure than it is to joyful happiness. It is something filling and strong, but it leaves me dry, and is in fact not enough to be a reliable source of happinnes/satisfaction, it is more of a use-and-waste sensation, so I need to keep feeling that angst fo stuff my mind with that sugary pleasure. I want a healthy happiness, even if it is less healthy in the traditional sense of the word (less exercise, more junk food and even alcohol). That’s kinda it.
Now, attention. So, I happened to sit on the corner on math today (not my choice tho) so I didn’t really talk to anyone. I was basically alone and what did I do, I had sad eyes. Like, my eyes already look sad imo, but I was like actively looking tired. Why? Because I was wishing B (again, or people in general, but specially B) would notice and talk to me and blah blah. I wanted attention. And I hate that I wanted attention because I keep wanting it. I want attention but I hate seeking for it because it makes me feel miserable and I don’t wanna be just a pick me boy or an attention seeker. But I don’t have the strength to hide all and absolutely all my suffering and lack of energy. It also contributes to my sensation of vulnerability that I talked about yesterday. But I need to control the degree, there’s a barrier between “vulnerable and protectable” and “looks like he had an overdose and is boutta cry”.
I prolly had lotta more thoughts, but I can’t remember.
I had this thought in the shower. What if my class group asks me to go to the beach. I’d love to go. But let’s go back in time for a moment. I used to hate beach, well, I didn’t actively hate it was just that I didn’t really love it much (and I hated it because it implied going with parents and brother), but what I mostly hated was my body. Now, the anxiety I get from my body is waay smaller, so I’d be (almost) fine with going to the beach. What happens? If mom finds out I go to the beach, she might want to take me. I don’t wanna go. Now that I think about it, whe might not even take me. But Anyways, I just wanted to say this to connect it to another point.
I don’t want my parents to know things bout me. Or family in general. I avoid seeing them in the street, hate questions, and that kinda behaviour. Why? Not quite sure. I believe it’s because I have tremendous trust issues and fear of judgement, mainly fear of judgement. If they know things about me, that might not like them and judge me, and I live with them, I don’t wanna be judged by people in my own house. So I end up avoiding all king I’d info transition with my own family. I’m really fucked up. Might elaborate this kind of family topics other day.
I even though writing a whole ass book recopilating my issues.
I hate birthdays, I hate doing presents basically, because I don’t know what to get for people, and as I’m not emotional I’m horrible at keeping that tradition in general. It makes me really really anxious. Birthdays make me extremely anxious.
Heavily considered looking for internet friends, but I can’t give up with class, tho I’ll end up worse that beat up everyday.
My body starts feeling heavier every day, I’m always the same weight, but I feel heavier and colder.
p0:21
Loading comments...