23:30~ ok, long long. Let’s start.
I feel very tired, and was on the edge of tears all the day. Last night I stayed up till 2 am coz father was snoring, I punched the wall so hard to wake him up that I got worried I might’ve broken some hand bones.
Ok, so I felt really isolated throughout the day from class. Noticeable happenings, Marta4 cried n shi, n you know who wa she first one to hug her n talk n shi, B. Si, what happened was that on lunch, M3, and M4 sat together on a bench apart, and B went with them and spent all lunch there.
I thing I understand better that B thing, what I want is his attention. It is as if he was the professional comforter when anyone goes through something. Everybody talks to him, he’s loveable and loved, and just the kind of person you’d get a crush on. What I wanted all this time was always his attention. I felt happy when he talked to me, and felt horrible when he wa swhen other people, for S most of the time for instance. This also explain why I don’t like Marco, because he is loved by B and gets attention, which I’m jealous of. He told me the other day that he wanted to make me more extroverted, and I ofc took that as a promise or objective. Obviously it was just a saying. From his point of view, knowing all so much propel, it’d be impossible to do such promises with everybody on such a “low friendship rank” as me, it’s just impossible, there’s no time for so many people. I should’ve thought that. Ofc, it felt like a treason and let-down for me. Another deception as the many I’ve suffered from so many people. S and B were together this afternoon doing some homework. Ifc it might’ve actually been that, but the fact alone that they were together a mf Monday afternoon just made me feel horrible. I had high expectations and a hope to get affection to someone that just doesn’t have enough affection to everyone.
I had this thought, to receive affection and love n people being able to open up to you, you need to be somewhat vulnerable. Everybody in class has either cried or shown symptoms of anxiety or sadness. By my part it’s just autism, empty looks and not a single tear or remorse, in fact, for everyone’s eyes, I just do all homework, pass all exams, and spend all the day looking at anything and interacting minimally on most conversations (ofc I have a unique personality for them, they even said today “I could write a whole extended essay on why Nemo is so Nemo”, that made me really happy, because it shows that they actually see me as a person, with my own details and personality specially distinct from the rest, but maybe it’s distinct in the sense that I’m just a plain, funny little rock, that is different from everything, and is a loner who doesn’t need anyone, when I’m not that at all and I do want people and I don’t wish to be a wall). Everyone has shown some kind of vulnerability, while all I’ve shown is that I’m un bothered or in some way unmovable. I don’t want that to be the image of me, because people will be more closed to talking to me (in the sense of being friends, not just having superficial conversations about our days), and it’ll be harder for people to let me talk to them. And why are you so tough? First af all, I have a personality that doesn’t allow for emotions, which I’m trying to fix, I’ll have to (in planning in theory, I’ll update tomorrow how it works in practice) get through that problem by just being more active, extroverted and hopefully emotional. This will surely drain my emotional energy. Deep down, I’m hoping B will notice my efforts and greet me for them and how I’m working on myself n shit. It won’t happen, but I’ll have to keep going, though I presage that the groups (which are pretty closed now) will be rejecting of people going through. It’ll be hard, but going through hard things is my talent at the end.
The second factor came to my mind today, beauty. It’s easier to love a pretty person than it is to love an ugly person (though that talk with B on Saturday is starting to change my view on good/bad people and this kind of thing), that’s what I believe. It’ll be easier for people to love me if I’m pretty, that means not looking homeless. I’ll go thrifting this weekend. I also tried my braids and I might wear them soon, I kinda liked it. I’ll go through some physical changes (specially clothing) to hopefully fit what they unconsciously want. They will not talk to me the same way, I believe, and I don’t care if that makes them bad people, because to my eyes, everybody does that, so everybody would be bad.
This beauty was related with vulnerabilty, becuase vulnerability involves being protected by a group and such group (by the same beauty logic before) will offer to defend and protect something pretty rather than something ugly.
Hopefully by doing this, I’ll fit more into the stereotype of normal teenager, instead of being a lonely loser with problems. If I happen to even make real friends, that’d be awesome. I’m already giving up on B’s love, and also friendship, but hopefully S, I and J (though they are as closed as any other group, and it’s nearly as impossible as B, but I guess I have to have at least a deep deep hope as a drive for my actions).
Again, I don’t wish to lose my essence, my personality, myself, but I gotta adapt to survive (in this case, surviving means not being lonely)
Small though with no needed development. I was stronger when I was younger, because I used to be able to live by myself, but now I’m terribly scared of loneliness.
Can also be interpreted the other way, I was always getting hurt from the effects of loneliness, but only started noticing when it caused so much harm that it caused damage that was impossible to heal.
What else, the unthinkable, this will go in the philosophy book.
Well, already talked about my agony with jealousy w S and B.
Today, training, I talked to Laura. She was kinda complaining because I always talk about someone else’s chism and not mine. And that’s actually because I don’t have chism myself (I actually had just one, nelle, I’ll talk that later). She also asked bout how I’m doing with my parents and I explained that I’m professional relationship and stuff. The thing is, I told her all I could tell her, and she looked at me as if there was a lot more (there is, but I won’t tell her, if I’m not this tired some day ill explain my relationships in depth). I don’t want to sound bad, but there are things I won’t talk, no matter how good friends we are
small note, also thought about how I feel like opening to some people like my new class, but I refuse to do so with other people, like Laura or last year people
It sounds bad, but I prefer to have a superficial relationship where we just talk to eachother in training and that’s it, but I won’t tell her all that becase we already very friends and I don’t believe she’d accept.
Nelle, basically, I started reading all the chats I had left (I basically eliminated all contact I had w her, because I didn’t want to talk to her n shi, except for discord which I never use). I really liked her as a person and friend, but idk if she’s the kind of people I’d be bests with, she’s like hella active, and more of a softgirl. I wondered if I could talk to her again and ask her how is all going. I will reflect on this decision tomorrow, maybe even ask for assistance from 3s or new class. I don’t want to talk to her because I’m bored I want it to be because I really appreciate her, and I wanna make sure I do so.
I don’t feel like exercising, but I gotta look good. Friday, Mateo said “maybe Nemo is actually packed but just doesn’t tell” and now I wanna be packed. I’ll just stretch, I spent too much time writing yesterday and today.
p0:23
Loading comments...