23:57
Ok so a whole lotta stuff today. It was intense. Lemme start by saying I was extremely tired the whole day. Mentally I’m boutta fall sleep at every moment. Physically, the stress and excessive forcing in the training are getting their toll played, my feet hurt, but not for walking or nothing, my muscles are made all a rock. Bubblegum bazar playing again after some time.
Anyways lets start. I woke up kinda early, and I was literally dizzy. I have no rest, I’ve been no stop all week, but I gotta get used to it. Dad got up late n shi but that’s usual.
As you remember, I go to gr on B’s car. It was a decent ride getting there. We basically talked typology n some class stuff. It was very fun and I enjoyed it. It wasn’t an absolutely great amazing time, but I enjoyed his company.
- Talking bout typology to him got me my first problem. The more I study bout that thing, the less I feel I know. It mainly because I forget everything, but also because I can’t explain myself with people, I understand what I think, but I have difficulty putng it into words. -
We talked a bit throughout the whole class but he went with more people since he’s more social, as usual.
Now, the important part, the coming back trip. So, I just hit the usual conversational starter when we sat on the back of his van. “How’s life going” or sum like that. He said sum like “Well, rayandome por cosas”. It was, still, a pretty decently normal response. I ask him (I wanted to have a decently deep conversation, I was ready to listen and avoid oversharing, I’ve been thinking lately that everybody talks to B bout their problems but I usually don’t see him talking his problems to other people, so someone listening to him from time to time should be welcome, spoiler it was) and he starts talking. Imma narrate the whole conversation because it had a lotta stuff:
The first thing he told me about was a drama he had with himself. Basically, he wants to have a relationship in the future, and get married and all of that. But he feels incapable of loving one person, in the sense of giving all of his love to them romantically, because he wants to love and be with many people. It doesn’t mean he’s polyamorous. He said that either the right person hasn’t appeared yet (*1), or he has a problem with distinguishing romantic and platonic, and giving all of his love to one person, cox it would make him feel like devoted and unable to love other people. (he’s all about love)
Following that love drama, he mentioned two things, he gave me the example that he kissed Mateo, but not as something romantic but rather just another signal of affection as a hug or any other thing. The shock was that he also mentioned that he was seeing a guy from time to time. He used the words “now liamos”, they obviously kiss and have touch n shi, he didn’t specifically talk bout sex but in assuming very heavily they did. That made me kinda jealous but I didn’t even react,i was listening to him. He told me that because he explained that that are not dating, just swing each other casually, but they are friends and like each other but are not planning to start a romantic relationship. Basically, all of that story showed me how mature and capable B was, and it made me like him more. I felt extremely down bad to him today, I didn’t feel so sexually attracted to him, like he wasn’t so physically handsome today, but he way I wanted to kiss him anyways because all he said was so rationally correct and mature, and he was sitting right next to me, and we were laughing, and we were sharing stuff. Idk. Huge crush.
Well next topic, he talked to me bout how he found out his actual passion was teaching. Both his parents are teachers, and her mother is told to be a great teacher that help the worse kids. That made him want to be a teacher (2), very respectable. This all came to me saying I had no idea what I was gonna do w my life. He also stayed that he had a passion for acting (HEAVY CRUSH) and theatre, that he was on theatre before covid and that he wanted to go back to it top priority. (3)
I dropped as a not-so-joking-joke that I wanted to leave the country and go avmnywhere for college. (4) He picked the thing and we talked blah blah. And I mentioned Canada and Montreal, and he said “Nemo, yes”. And I almost melted inside myself. Okay, I literally said “I’m joking but if you want in not joking” and he was totally serious, and I explained that I needed someone to share a rent with and that he’d be absolutely welcome. We ended up imagining and idealising a life on a 8-room 3-floors uni house that we searched in google, on Montreal, rented by eight of us, where we had the best years of out life. We both agreed that “if college years weren’t the best of our lives, our lives would be pretty bad” tho we did find a difference in our happiness when he told me his 7-10 school years were awesome, while mine just were. (5)
That was all the conversation. I felt extremely good when I got home even tho I saw father the whole day (*6). Brother was out for his birthday so I was fine. I trained later and I nailed it. My muscle got horrible but I finished. Birthday meeting w the family for brother was as usual too, but I laughed a bit, I’m starting to find them funny. I still wanna leave the house, but if I see them as clowns and not animals, maybe the time I have left here will be happier. I tried to do homework but I was falling asleep. I’ll do it all tomorrow. I did my rat tail braids and they don’t look that bad, tho they are still pretty horrible, I’ve never done braids. I’m hella tired and now I’m writing this on speed run coz I wanna sleep.
(*1) This reminded me of that thing I always tell myself: “My soulmate is dead”. It is clear it’s not B. I remembered that time I almost killed myself in Indiana 28/12/21, maybe my soulmate was alive at that time, but he did kill kimself that day, and I did not. Also wanted to mentioned that B dropped thugs like “he wanted tk turn me into ennea 2 (in the sense of making me more extroverted)” that was hella cute, and I love him even more today. But he still surely is not my soulmate. Even if he were I’d prolly not date him coz we in class together and I want that to be good n stuff. Worst case scenario, hopefully my soulmate is in Montreal.
(*2) He talked about kids w special need, and how he wanted to help people. Also talked a lot about how someone’ s defects don’t make them less worthy of love. I don’t even know if he was lying to appear more politically correct in my eyes or if he is just a person full of light (I’m going for this option coz I feel he really meant it). That was extremely cute and pure-hearted. I had assumed that people were fundamentally egoistic but now I’m starting to change my mind coz of I’m and this talk. He really is a good influence. My talks with his serve as character development (I said my talks w him and not him because I irrationally felt like I was talking his life and not mine, so I tried to make myself look like the MC, tho I was just listening. ). Maybe there are fundamentally good people in the world.
(*3) Just wanted to point out that he has a lotta hobbies and passions (piano, math, theatre, a lotta friends which are basically another passion), while I just think, do homework and play videogames. Different people.
(*@) wanted to add small thing, a moment that made us say, dayum how different we are. (he sayed “we are literally opposites”, he before sayed opposites attract as a joke) We talking bout imagining life’s and stuff, and I stayed it’s easier to imagine you not having something you have, rather than making up something NG you don’t have in life. I said “it’s easier to erase than to write” and he said “no, it’s easier to write than it is to erase”.
(*4) he asked me how I was after he finished talking, I said I was understanding and digesting information (I mainly meant I just found out maybe my depression can’t be clinically healed, and that I gotta learn live with. That’s a low hit, and I’m still going through processing that), and when he asked again what specifically what, I said I didn’t know hmwhat to do it where to go after 12th grade. That’s how we started talking Montreal n shit.
(*5) Now I have a new fictional scenario to imagine. A bunch of us (I can only imagine B and Parrone for some reason, sometimes also Nils and S) actually get a shared house in Montreal, we get there, I finish all the phone calls with my family N shi, and I get emotional because I ended upfinishing my life objective getting outta my house. I crumble to the floor and laugh and cry and they (specially B) hug me, and I become a much more calm and sociable person n shi. And I remember all I went through and blah blah. It makes me cry really easily.
I also got extremely melancolic, I thought about great people I might never see again. My childhood friends that I don’t know nothing bout Marcos and Natalia, my teachers, all the city places, most of the class. Starting a new life after scaping from the old one sound cool, but there are thing you just can’t forget and they make you melancholic, and I feel melancholy with more intensity than most people.
(*6) I just want him to shut the fuck up, everytime he talks I know exactly what he wants to tell me, its a waste fo time and patience. I despise him more everyday. I read an internet quote today “I know hate is a strong word, that’s why I’m using it”, maybe we can sy I hate father.
Today was extremely productive in terms of reflection. I’m really satisfied. Now I wanna sleep. Bubblegum bazar slaps more than I remember
p0:50
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