23:51
I was too tired to update yesterday but it wasn’t important. Just wanted to say that I feel let out from class group n I’ll try to be more loving and touchy with people coz I’m extremely cold and it doesn’t help. I don’t want people to think “he wants to be left alone” because I don’t, I wanna get into the group.
I tried my braids and I liked them. I’ll do them tomorrow or Sunday and wear them rat tails on Monday. I’ll go thrifting very soon. Sonia told me today that a spring palette and softboy clothes suit me. I’ll try them someday.
I remebered, hopefully less than a year and a half and I’ll be gone. I used to exclusively feel happiness for it but now, my class, friends n overall experience and development make me feel melancholic too.
So todays things. Class was fine, I was tired but them cool. Remember S, I, J n that stuff? OK so S and me just got outta class to the street. I stood there blah blah w the people coming outta class. I say “what bus in I even supposed to get?” He laughed. He literally laughed. I mean it wasn’t no kind of evil laugh or anything, it was just like “the circumstances are dumb or weird and I’m laughing”. He said “did nobody tell you” I was like “is it closed?” and turns out nobody was actually even going so they cancelled. I felt dumb af. Like I played it fine and went by myself anywhere n shi. My two reactions:
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I felt stupid. I trusted S n that group to become friends q them and ended up looking stupid and betrayed n overwhelmed n disappointed. I always tell myself not to trust anyone, and the one time I do, I end up like this.
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I was kinda angry, not because of them, but because of the fact that the idea I have that don’t belong fully into the group coz I’m too cold or distant was confirmed. I believe they have me kinda let out not only coz of my look (but that’s in my opinion a very minor reason) but because I’m fundamentally cold and distant (extremely cold and distant compared to them, I don’t give those many hugs n compliments n shi). That makes them treat me with more “respect” n distance to other. I don’t want to be a special other, I want to be like them, one more in the group, not the “let him alone” guy or the “he’s just not affectionate” guy.
I went for lunch instead w last year group. It was kinda fine w the 3s, but it was bit more uncomfy and slow w the rest. Specially Viky, who we like a lot less lately. Sonia talked to me today bout jobs n future n shi because I mentioned I was leaving in less than 2 years. She was pretty sad, I hope she don’t cry bout that. N was talking w this Valentine girl who I don’t really know but seems like a good person. I ate a lot of sugar, I bough a full tub o ice-cream at the super and burnt it on a moment. I didn’t have lunch tho, I’m eating less, N more sugar.
Okay, me gonna get the bus back home, father text: “blah blah blah get home for dinner blah blah your brother will get the bus blah blah” he was getting the same line as me, at a relatively close time. Chances were we met at the bus. I didn’t want that, I was chilling listening to Tabris n I hated to see him so I said fuck it, walk home. I literally walked for a whole hour. I avoided all the streets line 15 crossed, I went full on dark side walks n even used the back street instead of the avenue to get home, all of that instead of getting a 20 Min bus, because my brother could maybe see me. That’s how much I loathe him. More or less it.
Tomorrow gr, I’m hella tired, boutta crack, feet hurt now too. Lotta homework.
I’m excited coz I’m going w B in the car and I still haven’t gotten over him so being with him makes me unavoidably excited.
Want ice cream, but I’m really really cold.
p0:13
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