23:15
!!! HEAVY DEVELOPMENT !!!
Small incide, I’m starting to get scared someone I know actually finds this, tho I always try to make sure I talk coded enough and never sy anything so it’s really really unlikely not to say impossible. Anyway, I might go private soon.
So, today got hella philosophic so I’m a start thought by thought.
First of all, I understood myself on this aspect. I’m scared of people hurting me, being harsh w me or just not liking me, so I protect myself and build psychological walls even before knowing someone, just “to be sure” or “just in case”. This is what happens with my classmates, the 3s who are my equivalent to best friends, my family n just everyone. When I get into a. Taxi, I make up a whole personality and beliefs just the taxi driver things in nice. I always try to seem nice to people, I don’t have my own beliefs or personality because all I do is adapting it to the environment or people I’m in at the moment. This is a huge reflection, an obvious one, that I should’ve done a lo g time ago. In this “character arc”, as I like to call it, I’ll try to be more myself, if I can. Or just try to be some myself at all. At the end, fake it till you make it ig, after all this personality fluctuations, I created a false “me”,and by living being that false person for so long, I partially (heavily partially, like almost totally) became it really, and “turned the false me into the real me”. If there’s no real person, then the fake one is the realest you’ll find.
This is related with this point, my theory on why I don’t remember many things bout my childhood. Ofc it could be just age, or clinical amnesia, or some shonen-like trauma I don’t even know bout but I believe that’s unlikely. So, as I said, I slowly became a new person everyday and let back the one from the day before, add that to how “unalive” I was (without much friend or anything) and how I was moving houses n environments almost every year. That’s a good formula for a decently bad memory, but I don’t think its enough for not knowing a single shit bout who I am. Here comes the thing, one random day almost 3 years ago (my “birthday” 21/4) I just decided to play it dumb, again, fake it till you feel it. So I was sad, and what’s my idea to be happy, faking happiness. Acting as I’m happy (I think I was happy as a small kid, then came my dev/puberty arc, and then the round character arc from 3 years ago to now) until I actually feel genuinely happy. Honestly, it works kinda fine. But this is the thing, every time I have a good day, I end up having a horrible, empty night and I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before. So how can I be happy if everytime I’m happy I become sad. That’s where another thing comes out. My addiction.
I’m addicted to my depression, again I believe I’ve said it before. I can’t imagine a live without it, and every time I suffer or cry or anything in fact, I feel satisfaction really deep inside, some irrational satisfaction in suffering. It’s paradoxic but the way in which I make myself happy is by being unhappy. Also an explanation to why I love criticising and complaining n shi. If I want to be happy as everybody, not as a depression adict, I gotta cut it out n try something new, being like everyone else. Conclusion on this paragraph: I’ll try to start “desintoxicación” from my depression. Of course, it means having to ng a bad time, but if I suffer and suffer instead of just suffering and enjoying, I might break that bouncing wall that took me from happiness to sadness and so on. That suffering will let me break the wall and hopefully find a more traditional sense of happiness, the one everyone has. In some sense I’ll “play it dumb”, but I believe it’s worth it. That also presents an alternative to jsut waiting for a boyfriend or a psychologist to suddenly appear and save my life.
That’s another one short one. I don’t think a spycho would instantly heal me at all. I believe this depression is a chorincal, incurable disease, so ill better start learning how to live with it. Be less optimistic, ifc you can take antidepressant but it’s not just ginna make the world flowers and rainbows, I gotta do the work myself obv.
What else, I’m pretty tired, but I want to take more things on myself. School’s ginna get harder from now, but I wanna keep up w japanese, magic n driving license for example. I’m eating a lot sugar lately and I believe it’s a consecuence of that energy deficit.
Today lunch time, Olg said sum interesting things. She talked bout her future n shi but the important thing was about how you never know someone’s real motives or reasons, or it’s at least very hard. They also talked bout how someone’s house tells a lot bout them. I’m literally him fr. Nobody has ever known my motives n no one comes to my hose, so I’m a perfect description. I feel really attracted to the idea of opening up to my class group, but my precepts would never even allow it. Ofc I think I can talk a bit bout surface stuff but thing staying deep down. I never felt like opening to someone as much as I’ve felt with class. Now B.
B literally walked around the school for all lunch time, with Ines, talking what they said was chism but I believe there was more to it. I ain’t enrolling too much, just wanna say I had another anxiety attack on how B knows everyone n everyone loves him, how he is so close to S which I also envy a lot, and how I feel colder n colder everyday. I also got an attack with that theory of him being an asshole, and I got angry/envious of Marco again.
I think that’s msot of it. I also hated father a lot today. I’ll try to get more independent, become more me (buying clothes is really necessary, and I wanna try hair stuff n shi too) and be prepared because Olga reminded me, one years and a half left. Hopefully I’ll be leaving the house by that time. Small incide again, everybody talked bout how they wanted to stay in the country n it was weird, I’ve always planned to leave.
Very productive thinking session.
23:49
Loading comments...