23:23
Sme problems as always. We read a diary entry on English class (sad that English class is actually influencing me lmao) and I noticed I don’t talk bout my thought enough, just situation. I do like the “explain a situation of today and then explain what theory or thought I got from that” format so I’ll keep it. Lesgo.
So today we had 2h guard, and we were at the bunker chilling, but the hour before English hl told us they’d be watching a movie and we could all go. So B went there and 5 mind in we wanted to go but teacher said we all didn’t fit, B literally said bye and escaped the 2h mine raft game play I had because the class was kinda uncomfortable. I’m sure he sat with S during the movie. I’ve already said it every dy but it’s just my big problem everyday. They are so close it makes me jealous and it hurts me. I want a friendship like theirs, and seeing it in front of me everyday is hard. I’m starting to like B less, which I think is cool, but I still have feeling 4 him. Everytime he or S texts me, or just when they text in a group char and I see it. I can’t. I started imagining scenarios with a random boy I see at the sports centre that I don’t know at all. He just doesn’t seem to talk much so I idealized his personality to be my perfect partner. I’m that desperate. Literally imagining friendship/relationships with goddamn strangers.
The monograph thing is killing me, just that remainder. I can’t get any topic and having a task that I can’t just sit and do on one afternoon is like death sentence for me. Sitting ad doing weeks of homework in a day is my whole studying method, and it’s now incompatible, I’m done.
I was planning to bake a cake for Friday’s school market, and mom was just gon help me. I ended up sitting there looking. I wanted to do something but I didn’t ask. I felt really bad, I wanted to do something but she just took the thing and did it all herself. It was both uncomfortable and tiring.
I’m listening to slappy shi to grt some energy for gym right now. I have no energy at all but I have to destroy myself today. I said the same yesterday and I ended up doing sum so I guess I’ll do same today.
I have the feeling I’m going into another character arc right now. More contact with friends from before, less contact/more neurotic ism with class now. Feeling more alone, slowly losing hope of new relationships. A whole lot of envy and jealousy. A good bunch of suffering and a bigger bunch of pretending to be happy. Also more reading and learning stuff in my free time, and hopefully a prettier body.
Didn’t say it, but this week it got really cold. Its weird coz it was literally summer 2 weeks ago, but now im freezing. The window is closed now. I always start shaking when i get outta shower and my lips are starting to break. I feel more cold myself too.
23:37
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