21/1/23 in Myself

23:40

Nothing all day, I trained in the morning but kinda slow.

Only important thoughts of today:

1. The bad people debate. Do bad people really exist? For example, I don’t like Isis at all and I think she’s a dumb bitch, she was talking shi bout her own boyfriend to anyone and wondering why he didn’t want to come back when she was all annoying n stuff. I would clasifiy her right now as a “bad person”, but is she actively doing all that? Or is it just unconsciously? In that case, does anybody actually control themselves ore is this leading to determinism? If I put myself as a example, I try not to make people notice me because that would be being annoying and an attention seeker n that wouldn’t help me. But still, and even tho I try not to, I keep uploading stories n stuff. By doing that, tho I’m consciously only trying to share something I find funny or interesting, I’m unconsciously hoping S, B or some of my favourite people talk to me. With an apparently normal action that I rationally perform without hurting anybody, there’s an underlying secret objective of drawing attention and making people remember something from me that makes the laugh or sum like that. If we go by the same classification before, I’d also be a “bad person”. The only difference is that I’m actually trying to avoid such actions (inefficiently, and failing), but maybe Isis was also trying and I just didn’t know. This thoughts of bad people and classifying people as bad if they are just naturally egoistic, egocentric, violent… It need more thinking, it isn’t as simple easy as it could seem. I’m starting to doubt if there really is good or bad people, maybe it’s just smart or dumb people who can control and understand what they are doing or not (I’m afraid I’d also be classified on the dumb category, that’s something humbling and ironic considering I myself created such category).

2. Brothers disappointment. Today he said he’d be the one ordering dinner and going to pick it up. It was weird but it thought maybe he wanted to do a good act or something. He did go for it, but I had to call for it. I sat in the living room for dinner as usual. Nothing happened. When I was finishing my sandwich he told me “I know it was you who drank my juice”. This is related to this situation:

Father and brother were at the supermarket, I arrive and there are tho juices in the cart. Father says there’s two, one for eachone. Brother doesn’t add anything. We get in the car and I get my juice, I open it and drink it in the car in front of brother, he doesn’t say anything and he does so as well with his juice.
Small remainder that I never get angry with father or brother when they get something of mine because I could always accidentally get something of theirs and it would be justified for them to be angry with me if I show anger to them.
Next day, brother enters my room: “did you see my juice, the one we bought yesterday?”
I told him I didn’t, ofc I did, I drank it in front of him but I guess he was expecting me to lie so I did***
“You sure you didn’t see it or drink it…?
No

Today, he tells me
+ I know it was you that blah blah
- Yeah Ik
+ So why did you lie?
- Idk, what did you expect me to tell you?
+ Something like, “I’m sorry I had it by accident”
- Ah OK
I go to the kitchen in silence, (without being angry or anything, I wasn’t neither angry nor offended, just surprised and weirded) to leave my dish n wash my hands
+ YEAH YEAH GET OFFENDED. YOU CAN ALWAYS GET OFFENDED AND ANGRY WHEN SOMEONE TOUCHES YOUR FOOD BUT I CAN’T WHEN YOU TOUCH MINE, RIGHT.
Aclaration again. First I was not angry or offended. Second I don’t get angry when he touches my things.
I get back from kitchen to get my bottle in silence and leave to my room again.

It was such a great pity, I genuinely believed he would exercise a good action by ordering the food today, but the only conversation we had today was him throwing his hatred all over me. He is just like his father, it is all such a pointless, great pity, the irony is so enormous it feels like a comedy (the names, brother being just like father and me being just like grandpa R).

***I lied to him without an exact reason but now I understand why I did. I believe the satisfaction he would get from me admitting that I had his thimgs would be minimal compared to the one he is getting from having (constructed himself, and doubtably valid) a reason for hating me. He, same as father, finds joy in hating people and being angry, and I contributed to his pleasure by lying to him, actively giving him a reason (a passport, a one-pass, since one miss from me allows one hit from him) to tell me whatever he wanted. Otherwise, it would’ve been just a sorry that he would’ve had to accept, there would be no room for exercising hatred over me.

No. 6 playing. Tired, no sleep at all. I’m eating outside w the 3s tomorrow’s but I don’t wanna go out. I look terrible.

p0:07