Itchy brain in 2023

You know the expression “I woke up and chose violence?” This morning, I woke up and chose anger. I just woke up and was immediately pissy and enraged. It’s not been a pretty day.

I outright told the kids I was in a bad mood and apologized for being crabby. Alex gave me a hug and Ryan didn’t give a shit lol. Every little thing has been aggravating me. Every noise, all the mess. Every request the kids make is like a personal attack. I was opening an amazon package and told Craig I felt like stabbing someone. Like I had this itch in my brain and I wanted to punch something. Very weird.

It’s just been a fucky kind of day. I’ve been sleeping like shit. I slept wrong a few nights ago and my neck and shoulder are still in pain. I need like 5 hours of peace and quiet to myself to recharge my batteries because I’m spent.

Conversely, I want to do so many things at once. I just started two really good books. “Spare” and “A Court of Mist and Fury”. I can’t put them down. Other things I want to do include: nap, clean the counters, fold laundry, masturbate, doom scroll, and clean out my car. In no particular order.

Things that I will actually do? Fold laundry and doom scroll lol.

I had a checkup with my psychiatrist this week which was fairly uneventful. I feel manic sometimes. Like now. I was trying to tell her that my anxiety is back a little and I’m really trying to set boundaries to protect my mental and physical self and she suggested increasing the lexapro. Which I don’t think is the answer. I don’t know what is. Therapy. I feel like that’s something I could benefit from. I just balk when I think about making time to do it.

I have absolutely no sex drive. Psych thinks it’s mostly from the lexapro, which I agree with. But I also think I’m overwhelmed/exhausted and have no interest in making myself available to Craig. He’s gained some weight and not that that should make a difference, but it’s not like he’s making any great efforts to woo me. It’s been over three months since we’ve had sex or done anything sexual at all. Wow that’s a kick in the gut to read. Not that he hasn’t tried. I’ve had no interest.

Anyway. Can you see the flight of ideas? Can you see the rambling and lack of filter I currently have? Makes me uncomfortable. I don’t feel balanced today.

Lucky me, I was volunteered to take out surveyors of a big accrediting agency when they come to evaluate us this month. Fuck around and find out that I do not do things the “right” way. Don’t get me wrong, I do what’s best for my patients. I do so safely. Do I follow all the rules? Noooooope. Do I know where to find all the policies and bullshit? Nooooope. But feel free to fuck around and volunteer me to bring these people around. See how that works for everyone.

Not to mention I have the most patients of all the nurses currently. I’m at 20 patients. Maybe “volunteer” the nurse that has 8 patients. She has plenty of time to spend with her patients and bring the surveyor around. I’m seeing 5 or 6 patients a day. I’m burnt. Help a sister out.

It’s whatever. I’ll do it because I’m a putz. But now I have to go to these extra prep classes during the week and I don’t have time to carve out an hour or more to drive to these classes and sit around like an idiot. I’m the only one there from hospice, everyone else is from home care. So clearly I’m a jackass.

Anyway. I’m tired of writing now. I’m not as interesting as I think I am.