22:51
Everything hurts, only a few things happened today.
I was asking B how was he gonna go to gr on Saturday, he said that he was going w his brother and some more people he really doesn’t know but it’s because his brother is going. He said he told his mom he “wanted to go with me”. I almost fell to the floor. It’s prolly just that he wanted to go w someone he knew and not a bunch of 13 year olds, but, anyway, he wanted to go with me. I am so down for him it’s unnatural. Everytime he lays his head on someone’s shoulder I feel really regally really jealous. I’ve never been so crushed on someone
Tomorrow some people are gonna vmbuy him clothes (pinterest boy, he asked for them) as a group gift. I really fad for not going, but I just can’t I have training.
I did go buy some clothes today coz I needed pants but we also bought a hoodie and a few shirts. Mom came w me. I just bought the usual chándal clothing. I’d love to buy clothing that suits me more, everybody tells me deep inside I’m an emo and it’s true, but I just can’t buy clothes I like because I feel like I’d loon ugly. I also want my hair longer. I’m a do more gym and specially more abs to look better.
I did a lotta homework today. I didn’t rest at all. I really tired.
I’m looking for a new cos play for Marc’s expo here and I think I’ll use that as a excuse for going thrift shopping one of these days.
22:57
23:40
I forgot to say this coz slap was played NG, but now it’s no.6 ciz I finished the gym and abs.
When recess ends, when we changes classes and walking on the alleys, or even on the actual classes waiting for the teacher, I feel out of the group. Everybody goes in circles and start talking, I just feel left out. When we are walking, everybody goes together and I’m behind, all autistic (they tell me everyday that I look autistic). The harsh example is on breaks, we go out and everybody forms a circle. I get on it but people start moving and I’m always left out, everybody makes a circle and in just behind trying to look over someone’s shoulder so I’m kinda part of it, but I just give up.
I feel out of groups, tho it’s always been like this, I thought a whole new school (except for Marco, he’s kinda better than last year, but I still don’t like him and I wish he wasn’t here, specially because he’s way more integrated into the group than me and that makes me jealous. He’s going to B’s birthday too, and he’s friends with N and S, I don’t know what they see in him, and there goes the jealousy question: “What does he have that I don’t?”) would help, but perhaps I played it bad or sum. I do feel more myself, like more developed, more me, but at the end what I know about myself is that I know nothing that I have to be built yet.
B JUST SHARED A REEL
I’m literally struggling with Pearl Diver and I kinda started breathing again, tho now that I think about it again it must be just typology or sum, it’s just usual, he’s very social and shares a lot of stuff w everything, my pessimism tells me he doesn’t even see me as someone special, I’m just a normal-small friend that happens to be with him in class and gr so he talks to me more but just coz he spends a lotta time w me.
That all I wanted to cry about. I want to be someone people like interact with. I don’t know what they look for. Maybe I should be more normal. This is hard, I just feel like I can’t keep going every single day but I overwork and keep up the rhythm. I’ll eventually crash, and I remember it every one in a while.
23:53
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