p0:02
Nothing productive today, wanted to finish all homework but still got a report for tomorrow. I hate the fact that if I wanted to study anything else like typology or magic or whatever, I’d have the driving license priority, it’s literally taking away all my time. It’s defo the worst gift I’ve had, worse than the credit card that also father gave me.
What I wanted to describe today was how my unproductivity/procrastination works i think:
The thing is, to do stuff I need energy, but just living, and having my family around, and handling my anxiety, it all drinks my energy. I live in a constant state of 0 energy. And to replenish it, I try to do whatever easy and relaxing thing I can (anime, reading or video games basically). But in fact, I’m not getting that energy back because it keeps being drained at a faster rate. It makes no sense if I rest a lot or almost nothing, I will stay being unproductive, unable to focus and bored.
That’s when sugar comes in, either I have a random burst of energy and actually get to do something or I need sugar in industrial amounts. Sugar becomes a fuel, a very inefficient one that requires constant use.
So, it’s some kind of loop that can only be broken by a random burst of energy or by the anxiety of things being due right now. That’s how I ended up playing papas donuteria all day, I even did a google docs with weird writings on theory craft for a full day rotation on 7 perfect orders, it was probably harder than doing the actual report for tomorrow 10pm but I still preferred to do that before the report and haven’t started the homework.
I kinda need help. I also felt really alone and tired and cold throughout this day.
I also had a dismorphia attack today after a long time. I think I might be lost a pound or two during Christmas break.
Still looking forward to B’s birthday on Friday.
p0:12
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