Jan 1st in 2023

I really want to try to get back into journalling regularly. I’m not sure how much it will happen, or how interesting it will be to read, but my mental health has taken a really big hit this past month for no evident reason, just that I’m struggling and I’m hoping that journalling again may help process things that I’m not doing too well with.

I struggled with last night and while I normally love new years eve, I more got the feeling of dread for this year. I don’t know why, but it’s a sense of doom. But I am noticing more and more intrusive thoughts so I’m guessing it’s just riding the back of that. I don’t know why I care about an arbitrary date, I think it’s an ADHD thing.. I latch on to the milestone/marker.

M and I had a bit of a fall out last night and it’s completely unresolved today. It wasn’t anything important but I’m getting increasingly wound up about the same behaviours constantly being a thing. I’m trying hard not to be a bitch, but it’s not working. One of my pet hate behaviours is that there’ll be an incident - arguement, cross words, flouncing off whatever and then a period of silent treatment/sulking. Then, whenever he’s done with that, things go back normal with no acknowledgement of what’s just happened. Regardless of who is “at fault” or otherwise. Then if I say anything I’m the bad guy and if I don’t then when it inevitably resurfaces, I’m the bad guy because I shouldnt have pretended I was ok, regardless of whether I pretended I was okay or otherwise.

Ugh, I feel surrounded by bull shit and trapped. I hate it.

I hope anyone reading this had a better new year than me. I still read everyone who posts regularly ❤️