Meet the man, the myth, the legend in Letting Go

There alot of unflattering truths I have yet to utter. Things that I’ve been to scared to say out loud cause in all reality that would just make them too real. I can’t say everything is my life is bad cause that would be a lie, I have plenty to be appreciative of, like everyone else I have demons things that currently shaped my perspective on the world. I am not doing this to garner any kind of sympathy. The reason I have chosen to make this public was in hopes of reaching someone who may feel the way I do but feels like things maybe going out of control. You are not the alone. Now with my little PSA out of the way lol. I have always been the funny guy, able to make a room full of people laugh and have done stand up one or twice in my life. I guess I enjoy it or maybe it started so no one could ask me what’s wrong or why I’m looking so miserable. To be honest I don’t even really remember anymore. It does make me feel better when I see the light up by some of the jokes and maybe that’s why I do it. I read a Confucius quote along time ago that then something like “the funnies ones and ofter then saddest ones ” and it has always stuck to me I know for sure being alone with my thought can be a bad thing so I find myself putting myself in forced interaction with people just so I can entertain them solely for the that fact that it keeps me from being in my own head. I know and understand where alot of my angry comes from, as I’ve said before I feel like a very pissed off person and even though my rage has grown in the last 2 years it wasn’t til the early 90s that I started to feel this way. Alot has to do with my dad. To give you in a little insight into my dad to better put things into context. He served in the Air force during the Korean conflict. When he got out he joined the sheriff office and worked in law enforcement for a long time. Now I think it’s important to tell you I come from a really big family 8 boys including me and 3 girls. My dad had always been the type of person who did thing with his children weather it was building cars, play catch, or even playing barbies with the girls he was very active. All that would change in 1991 when one night he suffers a severe stroke. Just to give you a sense on how strong this man was, 2 died twice on his way to the hospital,dies 3 more times on the table after they drill 6 holes in his skull to relieve pressure. He ended up paralyzed on his right side completely, they basically told him everything that he loved to do was a no go and now he was going to have to depend on everyone else to help him do things. Honestly I was a piece of die when they told him that he had always be the one people depended on not the other way around. Of course the was sent to rehabilitation to see what functions they might be able to recover . The stroke was so severe that he wasn’t able to walk anymore, couldn’t talk, completely limp on the right side of his body. No still is where my stubbornness comes from, after he worked to regain some functions in his right side and parts of his speech, they explain to him that he’s done good but because of the damage to his brain that’s probably as far as his recovery would, and ill never for get this til the day I die cause I was young and time probably 6 or 7 , but he looked the doctor in he eye and with one of the worst speech impediment I have ever heard said if you wanna give up fuck you then im not done and to his credit he really wasn’t. Then it was all said and done the man really became a medical mystery that they had other doctors come to study his brain. See the most the rehab ever promised him was that they might be able help get back to communicating, but they was nothing that could be done to help the right side. He managed to work himself so far that he regained 70% of functions back,was walking and talking normal. See he was able to do things in his brain that only children who have had servers strokes can do. Completely reroute nuro pathways to the other side of the brain. So after all this my dad became sick high blood pressure, diabetes and lets just say he wasn’t the same man as my older brothers and sister remember him to be, to be on disability after working your whole life and not being able to work with his hand the way he once did killed him little bit by little bit, this turned my once very sturn father into a world hating, angry at everything and everyone in it. I learned how to catch a baseball and throw a football with my best friends dad when growing up, on weekends he have me and friend work on the car he was working on and I found it all pretty normal. This of course enraged my dad and as a result I became his beat down toy, and to me that was the only way my dad could show me he was still a man. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that he was so much mad at me, but more at himself. For a long time I hated him. I hate the fact I never knew him let my older siblings, or the fact he never got to know me. The fact he was so mean to me but different with my little sister. My truth is that I understand, I understand he was mad at himself for getting sick, I wish I could have a turn things around when he was alive. It didn’t matter that he was restricted.
To be continued.....