Row row row your boat... in (W)hole

Wellllllp, the time has come. I drafted a registration letter. My supervisor asked me yesterday to “touch base sometime this week,” and I want to give it to her then. I have an interview next week at a big university in Spokane, MUCH closer to home (15 min drive instead of 40) and with better pay and better benefits.

We did a two day training that ended today, and its supposed to be an inspiring mindset overhaul type of experience. I left 1/3 of the way through it yesterday breaking down in tears and had to go find an empty office to sit in and cry for several hours.

The kids have all been off the freaking hook lately, we’re trying to find some sort of addiction or eating disorder counseling for Ariel (almost 11) because her sugar addiction/hoarding has gotten to the point that she’s sneaking, lying, and stealing to keep her habit going. Since her bio mom and bio grandma are both generational addicts, we have a lot of concerns for her developing addictive behaviors. We had a heart to heart convo with her on Monday (after discovering she had stolen 2 big bags of Lindor truffles from a xmas gift that was wrapped and under the tree, used Chanel’s debit card at the corner store for candy when she was sent there to buy bottled water, snuck her own xmas candy in broad daylight while we were in the room with her, stole sprinkles and koolaid packets from our cupboards at night when we were asleep, we now have to keep our fridge, freezer, and pantry locked with keys) about how her bio mom was a drug addict and that’s ultimately why she died, why she went to jail, and why she got pregnant (with Ariel) at 16 by a 28 year old drug dealer.

Kasin seems to have lost his job.

Milo has been insane INSANE insane lately (refer to ADHD Monsta entry), and honestly keeps getting worse. He literally played in dog shit yesterday morning. He shoved Nerf darts into it and shot the darts at the walls through our house, because Cookie had an accident (after she took all 3 bags of dog treats she got for xmas off the kitchen counter and ate them ALL, I told Ariel she taught the dog this bad behavior haha) and he thought it was hilarious. Didn’t stop to think at all, just did nasty stupid things.

Parker got up at the crack of dawn on Christmas Day and snuck into the kitchen, which I hadn’t locked up the fridge and everything because we were planning to get up super early anyways, and I was 100% certain that none of the kids would get up and sneak around and steal shit on xmas morning. I WAS WRONG. Parker was trying to cut himself a piece of pumpkin pie (xmas dessert for after dinner that day) at 6am. Unlucky for him, I had to pee at around the same time and came out and busted him. He has also been in trouble at daycare routinely for irritating Addisyn and trying to get her mad/in trouble.

Addisyn was diagnosed with Autism 2 weeks ago. I’m having Milo re-evaluated ASAP for it, too. Addisyn has actually been the best kid lately, and she’s still been pretty shrieky.

And so we are doing this training about Outward Mindsets, which basically means thinking of others and being considerate. Inward Mindsets are how people think when they’re being selfish and self-centered. Basically. So we get this overview with definitions, and then after a bit they teach us about “self betrayal” which is when you sense that someone else needs help or assistance but choose not to help them, betraying your senses/self. Now, I actually had done this training previously with a different HR manager and it was very warm and fuzzy, nice feelings, be kind, be aware of other people’s struggles, etc. This go around, it was very aggressive and condescending. It was communicating loudly that EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG.

I was already feeling shitty because of things with the kids, xmas was tough (its my moms birthday, she would have been 62 this year) and I had to spend it with Chanel’s mom who is fairly terrible… she played favorites this year with xmas gifts and only gave Kasin 2 things and Milo 4, while the other 3 kids got 6 things each. I was sitting there thinking how my mom would NEVER do that shit… and it was just not a good time. The kids have all been horribly behaved. I feel like a bad daughter in law, bad daughter, bad mom, bad employee, bad coworker… I bought my other department people gifts for xmas this year to thank them for covering me when I had surgery because I felt so bad for missing so much work.

And the guy leading this training tells me that GUILT is a SYMPTOM of my INWARD MINDSET. First of all, I dont really appreciate being told I have an inward mindset after he set it up to mean something horrible. Second of all, he was basing this off of the fact that I said I sometimes feel burnt out and then I feel guilty when I take time for myself.

This entire training feels like brainwashing. They want us to feel bad if we ever say no to anything. They want us all to feel like we should be going above and beyond and giving 110% to the company. Well I’m not here for that. I’m an actual human being with a life outside of work. I can’t give 100% of myself to my job, because I have 5 kids and a wife and a crazy mother in law and a new step mom who I’ve never met, an aging and ailing dog, and a new house that keeps falling apart.

So, Im out.