p1:34
Physically a bit tired but mentally really down and tired still. Padpa was playing but this fucking phone crashed again. Today’s training was horrible but I finished, it felt like going back to those anorexia summer months.
I did nothing the whole day but studying and getting cookies and sugar n stuff, but I didn’t eat much.
Dinner was as lame and stupid as I thought. Remarkable things that happened:
Natalia was really me today idk, she was dressing pretty and smoking while listening to Eminem in the middle of the street at 11pm, that felt really good and I wished I was her. She told me about one of her russian friend’s daughter, she was very smart but liked going out till 1am, she just like me fr, Natalia said she’d like to introduce each other and honestly, that sound great (I’ve already imagined and idealized a great friendship with a smart, potentially alcoholic and smoker Russian teenager).
There was a girl sitting in front of the hotel when we came in at like 9, she was still there at 12 30 when we went out, she was also just like me fr. She was sitting in the stairs on the entrance of the hotel, but right in the street, she didn’t move a single inch on those 3 hours. She didn’t really look angry or sad, her eyes were like empty. Not like empty of void, but empty of not thinking just sitting in the middle of nowhere for the whole night.
The dinner was, as expected, stupid. Father, uncle and brother acted like literal monkeys and that was the funniest part of all of that. However, I had to stop myself from laughing or they’d think it was their jokes that made me laugh. Natalia was splendid, grandmother was sick but as insisting as usual and grandfather hasn’t changed anything. I ate little but had a lot of sugar today.
I won’t have presents tomorrow, but if it isn’t more time, books, a guitar or Japanese or Russian classes then I prolly don’t want them.
As a small extra, B just sent me a post about enneagram and greeted me with merry Xmas, I replied merry Xmas to him too. Idk what that typology post about how he as an e2 can’t express his needs n stuff came to, but maybe him expressing his problems to me without being uncomfortable means we are closer friends than I thought (that’s still a very unlikely hipothesis to my opinion).
Also JMartin, who happened to tal a lot to my brother this month, told merry Xmas to many people (Matros, the 3s n stuff) n also talked to me bout brother, idek what that meant but either his psycho told him to go back to old friendships or he got melancholic.
p1:49
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