p0:09
Ill try to be fast cos I feel like sleeping lately but there’s some stuff.
Phys OK, mentally head hurts n stuff. No 6.
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I lost, I accept defeat, I don’t think I ever stood a chance. I’ve tried to stay near S and B, I wanted to be friends with them but not only them, everyone in general. I can’t. S and B are always together and when they’re not they’re at any other group. Even new people on school like Polo or N even got into those groups. I just don’t feel like I fit. And getting into class 2 mind late and seeing S and B sitting together was my checkmate. I’ll prolly spend the next 2 years alone. S also didn’t ask me to go out at all. It hurts. The 3s are also hella more inactive, Cin is replacing me.
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More happenings. The physics exam. The class avg might be a 2, I got a 7.4. Wtf, I was the only one over 5. B got a 1.4 or so and M3 got a 2. N cried, catastrophic. Even the teacher was like at a funeral. I felt extremely bad, guilty, horrible, as if they wanted to brutally hit me. I know they would never but I’m afraid they can invalidate me because I do good in exams.
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Now into thoughts. I found out that my very favorite quality of myself, my thinking and rationalizing capabilities are far more subjective than I believed. While everyone seems to be only capable of seeing one point of view and is 75% of times closed into it, I thought I had the talent of seeing duff povs at the same time. It is not that way, in just less resilient to changing my mind that almost everybody. It’s a full talent, but rather a better affinity with this quality of visualization than the average. That affinity might be very high, but it is not infinite, I also get stuck into ways of thinking all the time.
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I might be, fundamentally, a bad person. Describing bad people really domestically, that kind of guy who is like a dumbass and is always the bad guy on chismes. Like that typical toxic ex or smth. This kind of people make me think they have no friends at all or the friends they have are false and therefore they’re extremely dumb. I noticed I unintentionally try to get attention from others and I hate attention attractors since they are most of the time bad people. I don’t want to and I try to consciously be aware not to, but it’s hard, specially with B lately. Since he is a so2, I try to seem vulnerable or in a bad state near him so he tries to help me. I don’t want to do that. That gives me the debate, if something I do unconsciously is bad, but I consciously (and fail to) try to stop it, am I a bad person? I think I’ll need a psychologist to answer that.
The last little mention is that I thought this. I really feel like talking bout my problems with my (possible and hopefully) new friend group of class, but I don’t feel so comfortable with the 3s.i feel the 3s is more childish and for fun, we are close, ofc, but I don’t want to be such a center of attention in a more laughing and party group. The new people from school are more mature (well, everybody is) and I feel more comfortable but this effect might be conditioned by B being in such group so in no 100% sure.
That’s it, I mentioned I feel like sleeping more lately and it’s true. Bye, I hope life gets better cos this week was specially empty.
p0:26
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