I'm finally admitting I'm not okay. It's taken time for me to get to this "breaking point". I'm irritable. I'm angry. People in my personal space, even if they're "allowed" in, drive me crazy. The littlest noises, occurrences set me off. I'm trying to figure out how to get passed it without having to call Bruce's company's "grief hotline" or whatever it's called. I'm unwilling to talk to a complete stranger. I really just want someone I know and love to listen to me. To talk with me WITHOUT being a "fixer". If this were a simple problem that could be fixed by "your" nonsense, I would have already figured out how to set myself back on my feet.
I feel worthless. That I've become someone worth loathing. Someone undeserving of affection, attention, and overall existence. I'm trying to gain my self-worth back. But as I've only come to the realization "I need help" about 7 hours ago, I think the self-worth thing is going to take a BIT longer than I would prefer.
Bruce has been trying to keep me busy with gardening projects - I love planting and watching things grow and produce. We mainly grow fruits and vegetables. It has been a fairly decent distraction up until recently. This last project I barely participated in. That's how I know I'm getting worse. I saw his love for me, his attempt to help me - especially that he took off work to be home with me while I had one of those days when all I could do is cry, whether I tried to stop or not. I had no control of the "water-works".
Losing my dad has been so hard. He brought laughter and light to my world, even though his was clouded in dark. There are so many things I wish could have been possible for him. But I am happy he found love before he passed. He and my mother wasted 23 years.
Mostly I feel lethargic. A small part of me has drive, and is telling me what I could/should be doing. What will help me feel better and get me moving again. The rest of me just wants to lay down, sleep, cry, brood... just be angry for a while. I know some of this is normal, but most of it is not. Especially the lack of self-worth. The yelling at my family because they're making too much noise. But every noise is like a gun going off right next to my ear. And every time anyone needs me, I just want to glare a hole into their head and tell them to find someone else. But that's not possible when you're one of the "main" people at work, and a mother at home. (Heck, maybe even a mother at work most of the time...) You're supposed to be polite, and patient; which I have been before all of this. Now it's getting difficult. Now people are noticing I don't want to deal with it. But it's their lives that I'm affecting, so I try to keep the "bite" out of my words, and the glare off my face. Instead I just say "Give me a moment. It's not you. I just need a minute to collect myself." Then I compose myself and turn back and say "Okay, tell me what exactly you need." I seriously need to get paid more...
Funny moment just now... I left the craft box out on the floor in the office (the room I'm currently in), and my 1 year old wandered in. I had no idea what he was doing, as usually there's nothing for him to get into in here. As he was exiting the room I glanced at him and noticed he has 2 bottles of crayola paint. facepalm Oh well... If he gets them open, they're non-toxic and washable. :D
Hopefully I'll be back on tomorrow to share more... I feel lighter so far. But there's a year's worth of recent trauma to break down and get through... so we shall see.
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