23:45
Phisically destroyed, mentally worse, holding tears from the whole day, no. 6 playing. December is rough.
I’m starting to cry now, it’s been a long time since my last tears.
Lets go through the day, not many thing happened but they happened hard.
3rd period, physics test, it was a massacre. On 4th period N complained, A did too and everyone lost all possible hopes. M3 and B cried, it broke me.
In M3’s case it was like this. She was talking about how shitty the test was, and her voice started breaking and that’s it. N got up and hugged her and I stood there, incapable of doing anything because I felt guilty from (I believe, as usual) passing that exam, until N made me a cue and I went hug M3 too.
For, B, I could not, he just sat there in silence, looking at the table as if I wasn’t watching, he was trying not to cry but his face said it all. He wiped his tears and tried to smile while still looking at anything, I wonder what he was thinking about.
B, A and N talked about changing to other class, I don’t think they’ll do it but if they did ill be extremely fucked up, I don’t want to be left alone, I’m scared of being alone.
What else, I overall want to be closer to B and S, but I don’t know how, they act like best friends and I feel like the 3rd one in group of three. Actually, it isn’t even a group of three, it’s just both of them. An example was Chem, when we had to get in groups of 4 and, although I was already sitting on a table with other 3 people, they looked at me and I wanted to move to their table (they were 3, B, S and Mark who I’m actually better with than I thought). I did not change table.
The final hit was at the exit, when they were gonna go out as they told me but I could not, it ended up being just the 2 of them. They literally said:
“So, are we gonna go hang out?”
“Yeah, let’s go.”
And they left, I had to stop myself from crying at that moment.
I want a best friend, I crave someone that in comfortable with.
I feel extremely alone.
I’m getting another anorexia hit, I’ll probably eat less for a few weeks (hell yeah, I love Christmas). I also killed myself at the training I did alone today. I’ll probably get sick tomorrow. It rained like the sky was collapsing and I kept going, a whole hour. I did not get any warm clothes, short sleeves and a thin jacket.
When I got home, I was hoping there was a message from S saying sum like “Hey, we could not go out today cuz of the rain, wanna go out tomorrow?”. That would’ve made me the happiest I’ve been in a long time. Obviously there was nothing. I also thought about asking the 3s to go out this week, but idk if they can.
I really feel alone, I’m sad, I’m on a downfall, I need someone who understands me and that I understand. I want a best friend.
Actually, what I need is medical help.
I can’t explain how hopeless I feel. I wanna punch a wall, and cry, and scream and keep crying like I’ve never cried, and then run under the rain at night until I blackout from exhaustion and keep screaming and then cry again. But I feel miserable, and ugly, and I can’t see myself again. It’s impossible for me to cry in front of the mirror without having to resist the urge of smashing it with my own fists.
Damn, that was very emo, but it’s true.
p0:07
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