3/12/22 in Myself

23:24

Just thoughts, Guitar playing, im perfectly fine but just phisically tured as always (ive done lots of abs and arms this week and imma do more now)

Things that hapoenned today:

1. I’m kinda down again. I felt great yesterday but now i feel alone again. Imma analyze the problem.
   I have always been alone, but I had the 3s last year and people from class n stuff. New school, new people, I ended up lonelier than the one. But yesterday’s grupo and class in general is great and I’m very thankful for everything, without them I’d be really fucked up and they make my days.

Yesterday, it was S’s father that took us home (I, B and me) on his car. Today we left B at his house after math. I don’t really know why I did that.
I think it’s first because I’m “getting used” to dropping my friends (thing I’ve never done) and I feel like in debt because they drop me instead.
I also think it’s because he asked me if we would pass near his house. I told him we were not and he stopped asking but I did not, he said hed be uncomfortable and stuff but I believe he was just being humble (he’s an so2). We finally dropped, he thanked me, and I felt kinda good. I’ll accept the “blame” from taking that extra work but I really appreciate his friendship. There is the problem, I really appreciate him but I feel kinda stupid because I don’t know if he appreciates me so much since he has so many friends. Gotta say I still jealous of his body.

The next problem is M3 from class, yesyerday they told me lost of things she did and goddamn, I never thought she could be such a bitch. I really don’t want dramas in class, it’s still 2 years w that people, but I guess I should be careful. I’m scared the great feeling and friendship in class gets darker with problems between people.
I wanna go out with yesterday’s grupo more, and I also want to meet the 3s and last year’s people again, maybe this week we can.

Well lest see what else happened.

1. I didn’t enjoy so much playing video games. That’s it, I could spend hours and hours playing but know I couldn’t keep going after 2h or so. But I also didn’t have the energy to do homework so I started watching anime. I want to read more n stuff but I lack the energy.

2. Let me narrate my situation with psychologists.

I really need a psychologist, and I’m planning to get one asap since I can’t live like this and I don’t want my possible friends to suffer for me. I also don’t believe I need a relationship tho I really want one, I need medical help. The thing is my mother can’t know. She can’t know I’m bad or she will get really bad. And I mean extremely bad. Like she was before. She’s a lot happier know and I’m glad it’s like this. My plan is becomimg independent asap and paying myself a psycho without her knowing. I wish I can enjoy the year or two (at leat) until that happens, but that is hard.
Here’s my quote for today:

“My depression is not killing me, but rather stopping me from living”

Very philosophical ngl, I even sound intelligent lmao.

1. It’s getting colder lately and I love it. I stayed for some time in the shower with hot water. I feel really cold.

2. Just to say something more, I really want to play the guitar and learn Japanese.

3. I’m also pressuring myself a lot more in being prettier. I want a good shape and a pretty face. Nils told me that I should cut my hair (on Friday on PE) but I actually like it more everyday. At least that’s a good step.

23:47