i’ve always been normal. i don’t know what happened after i was roughly eight years old, but something about fourth grade altered my brain chemistry. maybe it had to do with being a part of the popular girl group or having complete access to the internet, but i wish for one day i could be child me again.
she was carefree. she didn’t have to worry about anything except for what rerun of her favorite cartoons she’d watch tonight.
of course, none of this is true. i still had constant anxiety as a child, i.e. if someone was watching me in my room, if my friends actually liked me or not, not being able to order my own food or even sleep in my own bed because what if something came for me in the middle of the night. in hindsight, i shouldve been taken to therapy when i was around 10 and was still scared to sleep by myself, but there’s nothing i can do about the past.
what i can do, however, is focus on my future. that’s what this book is for me. everything i accomplish, fuck up, grieve, love; all here. i cannot and will not let anyone or anything stop me from what i need to do. i am allowed to be myself behind closed doors and be private in public. i don’t need to air out my dirty laundry to everyone i know. i deserve the luxury of privacy. that’s the first goal.
i have never been nor will i ever be normal. but i don’t need to fix that. i can embrace it and turn it into something beautiful. i am beautiful.
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