22:44
I think this journal actually helps me think. Since I don’t talk this things w anyone, talking it to myself is a big help.
Today I felt slightly better but I was still in the edge of crying multiple times. I feel extremely alone. I’m jealous of everyone who is happy. I really want to cry but I can’t. My chest suddenly starts pushing inside for no reason in the middle of class.
New debate: gr or hu on the 17th.
The thing is the 17th we have math sprint on gr but also math camp from the Olympics side on hu. I was thinking bout going to the sprint but B said he was going to hu and now I wanna go.
If I go to the sprint I’ll have fun, but not much, as always. It’ll still be cool. It’s a sure bet.
If I go to the camp (1 night I believe) it’s a 50/50 (I don’t know the odds, it’s just to explain I don’t know what will happen). I might meet new people and make friends n stuff which I find unlikely. The other option is being very uncomfortable with everyone cuz people on math Olympics are hella weird ngl. Add B to this and it’s even more caotic. He know lots of people so he might stay near me (he surely won’t) or he might go around and leave me alone.
My thought about him is that he cares about me, cause I’m his friend, but he has so many friends that someone on “such a low friendship rank” wouldn’t be much important. A perfect example is S (yes, again). They are always together, they talk, and they probably speak up their problems to eachother. We just talk about class and joke from time to time, but in class. He doesn’t care about me, to put things clear. I might just end up going to hu but I’ll try to find new people so I don’t have to stick to him since it could be uncomfortable.
I read my diary from 2017, who the fuck was that? How have a become a completely different person and I don’t remember anything? I will think about it more because it was 20mins ago and I can’t process it yet. I really feel like crying. I really don’t feel like doing arms (I’ll do arms for sure but I don’t want to).
I’m tired, I’m really tired.
I think I want a relationship, it doesn’t have to be romantic,just someone to talk to.
Actually, what I need is a psychologist. I’ll surely get one in 2 years from now (mom’s problem) but I don’t have much faith it’ll work if I’m still this bad by then. I might not even be by then. I’m still planning to live 100% but who knows.
23:00
Loading comments...