29/11/22 in Myself

22:40

I’m going to start marking what I’ll be writing about each day, to make future reading easier.

Not much importance, descriptions of how I felt today but all the problems were mentioned before.

I also want to stop talking about how everything in my day went, I’ll try to focus on the relevant stuff for my emotions and self.

So trainings now destroy me tho they are still doable, Spotify playing random coz why not and mentally OK. I was very, very down today. I felt extremely miserable until like training.

I just wanted to mention 2 things.

1. It’s soon gonna be a year since that time I almost kms (the night 28-29 December 2021). Just want to remember how it went.
   It was that Indiana house in the middle of nowhere and I had to sleep with father and brother on the same room, they were snoring and I was feeling horrible. I stood there in the stairs looking at the ceiling where I was thinking to hang myself. I had the ceiling and the stairs I just needed a rope and I’m pretty sure (like 75% sure) I would’ve ended my life if I had a rope in my hands. It was traumatizing but I didn’t want anyone to guess I was going crazy that night so I didn’t move on the whole time. Later, I choked myself for a while until I felt dizzy and lacked oxygen. It was like 2 am and we had been a whole day in a plane a while before so I was tired, it was easy to faint in bed and I woke up next morning and acted like nothing ever happened. I didn’t think much about it until today.

2. I’m so, so SO JEALOUS OF B AND S AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP WHAT DO THEY HAVE THAT I DON’T. They are so close with each other and I haven’t been like that with anyone, ever I wish it, why am I not like them. I feel so jealous, it’s the only thing I could think about today, and yesterday, and the day before yesterday. I know what they have that I don’t, mental stability (or stupidity, depending on who do you think I am, a crazy and mad teenager or an overthinker with philosopher complex). Today, S’s girlfriend started following me on ig and I did the same (she’s ok, I even think we’d be friends if we meet), I saw a photo of S dressed this Halloween with his friend group and he was smiling, but even his soul was smiling. I have never smiled like that. He was happy. Really, genuinely, actually happy. I might just burst out crying in the middle of class one of these days, but I guess I’m ready (if you can ever be ready for that).

I also noticed I write in a literary way, but I’m not going to change that. I still write exactly what happened and even tho my feeling are completely subjective, I’m writing what I’m thinking and the way I’m thinking. The way in which I redact can serve as another indicator of my state so it’s even an advantage.

I wanted to try gym today, I’ll be dead tomorrow my legs hurt dayum.

22:56