23:26
No6 playing, physically perfect and metally not tired at all, but still down. I had too much sugar today.
Today was plain and boring. I did nothing productive i think. I’m just updating because i don’t have anything else to do.
Important things that happened:
I again dreamed i kissed someone. I really lack love very seriously lately. Getting out of the shower is harder too. Its almost unsustainable. I felt really depressed today.
I might be officially on love with him, like really crushed. I thought of him today, both romantically and sexually. If I keep getting more down for him it will become unsustainable. But here’s the thing, I’m not gonna declare, and I’m not going to let anyone know. Remember when I fell in love w S and it was a false alarm and in 6 months I was already fine as before and we are still friends because I didn’t tell? Yup. I think it’s a similar case. I just fell in love with him because I unconsciously needed to fall in love with someone. I didn’t think of S sexually, just romantically, this the only difference between these cases but I don’t think it will eb a big deal. We’ll see how I do in a few months from here.
I’m looking forward to being with my class tomorrow. Even tho it drains me, socializing would do some good.
Maybe I’ll feel something if I’m around some people.
I really need to vent (I won’t), I haven’t felt so full of trouble since that one night talk with Matro a year ago or so. I gotta keep going but I really feel like crying every 5 minutes.
Also, almost forgot, my situation w guitar is going extreme. I really wish I knew how to play. Well, I wish in general I knew more, music, languages, anything. I want to be more. I feel like I’ve wasted most of my life without being productive. I wish I spent my childhood learning music or languages, since I don’t remember most of if, I wouldn’t remember the suffering, and the scars wouldn’t be different from the ones I have after having an unproductive childhood. That is my thought of today on that, I’ve wasted my childhood and now I’m a master of nothing.
I feel like I have no time, I wanna leave home.
I also want to get drunk and hook up with someone, but I could never.
I’m tired.
23:39
I want to cry, and i feel like crying, but i can’t shed any tears.
23:47
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