22:14
Legs and feet hurt a normal amount. No6 playing, mentally fine, I feel like I’ve slept enough but I’m really really down.
Lets start, today was intense.
Okay so I dreamed I kissed B, I don’t remember the context but I first kissed him like normal, then we looked and I kissed him again but w tongue an shut and I liked it but not too much, it was the way I expected kisses to be more or less. I was w him at math today and I felt weird. I don’t like him romantically, I still believe in just jealous of him, but in afraid of actually falling in love with him because we are SOOO different. Like I don’t think that’d work, but now that I’m thinking about the consequences I feel like I’m unconsciously in love romantically and sexually.
I want to be around him.
I want to give and receive physical touch from him.
I want to kiss and hug him.
I want to talk to him.
Those are the “symptoms” I’ve felt today (obviously I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t rationalize my feelings).
Now for the things I’m jealous about:
I want his social skills.
I want his academic abilities (specially math, why is he so good?).
I want his body, his arms, his slutty little waist…
I want his confidence.
I want his ability to understand and have emotions.
I, in conclusion, want things I either don’t have or don’t like from myself.
Little thing cause this happened while writing. I think I have ptsd or some sort of anxiety or stress disorder.
I’m currently home alone but I still can hear father’s voice in the house. This happens a lot, even when he’s at home I hear him calling. Another great example is me waking up before he even opens the door, for him to find me open eyed when he enters my room. It makes my heart race for no reason and I hate it.
More father stuff, great. So today’s math was at 10 and not 11, and on a diff place (didn’t read the mail, dumb mistake). Father took me there and started screaming and stuff as usual, blamed me and accused me of “not helping him to help me”. He finally found the place but I wish he didn’t find it, because this things never happen to me when I go by myself, I never get in trouble when I’m alone, it’s my father that brings me uncontrollable circumstances. But he also somehow also finds a solution (ofc I was 1h late but he still found the place). I hate how this makes me look incapable of living without him, when in fact I’m better by myself but he can’t believe it because he only sees the mistakes and the problems. When we were heading there he was still talking and I was saying he was right, that was true, OK, you are right, I was wrong, and he still wouldn’t shut up. It has gone beyond doing everything for me to compliment him, now he wants to prove his unexistant control and guide my life. I have thought about scaping from house like 10 times in the last 2 weeks. It’s not sustainable, or at least it doesn’t seem to be, but I’ll surely do some miracle. For now, I have decided to always go to this kind of things by myself. It starts feeling like destiny is laughing at me.
Now for the afternoon w the 3s, we still OK, but the flame has gone colder. We talked a lot less and it does look like we falling apart. This is not a catastrophe at all, the situation looks perfectly sustainable, it just a bit less “as always”. I feel like they have grown, S was talking about her family really seriously, and N watches her words a bit more. People do change, but I feel like I remain as always. It feel like I’ve been 16 for too long but also I still, somehow, feel 12.
A small thing, we went thrift shopping and I didn’t buy I single shit. I believe I don’t have a defined style or image of myself and that makes me unable to like clothes.
I was very down today, like crazy, I’m already planning on going to sleep if nobody comes home (I hope). I gotta do like a lot of homework tomorrow beacuase I did nothing but playing video games and eating sugar when I was at home. I couldn’t do more.
22:38
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