25/11/22 in Myself

p0:19

This just crashed and I gotta write everything again fucking shit.

1. I’m eating less to be as slim as B. I also wanna be as strong as Ivan and as handsome as S. I want to be and feel pretty.

2. I’ve been more down than usual lately, I have less energy.

3. I really wanna play the guitar. I gave up violin for guitar but feel very similar. Both were what “suited me” but violin was for pure scheme and status and guitar is my style and my feeling and aesthetic. I wanna play till my fingers bleed, but I don’t wanna learn. I wanna skip the process of taking time to learn and be a master just without learning (I lack talent).

4. Class was weird. Wednesday everyone sad and complaining. Yesterday we all came out thinking we did a great exam. Today we got the grades, avg like about 3, everyone crying again. I’ll complain on Monday and not just me, the corrections were done as shit.

5. I literally believed this Chem exam would be my first ace, a fucking 7. I can’t believe it, I wanted to cry or punch the wall, I want to be perfect and if I can’t shine in the only thing I feel like I’m good at, then I feel ill be nothing. I have the highest avg in class, but it still doesn’t feel like enough, I want more. I want more than what I can afford.

Tomorrow math in the morning and then lunch w the 3s, maybe we’ll go shopping for clothes or smth.

p0:27