23:39
Dayum (that’s my fav word lately).
Mentally decent to bad, physically could be worse, listening to guitar (I’ve gone from violin to guitar, I like them both but guitar suits me more and I feel like I prefer or since you can play the kind of thing I like).
OK some things to say. Let’s start with today and recall things from other days if needed.
So today, and yesterday too, I’ve felt a bit more down than usual, just sad without explanation, nothing new.
I’ve also felt worse about Father’s dilemma today. This happened: Bother insulted some boy of his class and fucked up and he’s not going to school tomorrow since he was expulsed. He mad af, ates red when he got in the car. Dad acted like he was 100% the victim like wtf, do something at least. But I also wouldn’t want him to blame himself excessively. I again concluded that my parental skills are unexistant and I shouldn’t have kids, due to my lack of emotional intelligence. I’ve treated him pretty bad lately (father). I think IL try to go down on hostility and just go back to the basic cold.
Today I thought about this for a minute. I have major depressive disorder, anxiety, potentially social anxiety too and social panic. And a huge headache from bad sleep.
More things, I got a 8.75 on philosophy, the class avg was like 3 or 4. Again I felt as bad as in chemistry or worse. Now I’m sitting in the front because the seats are ordered by grades (Marina set it like that idrk why).
Today, everybody complained about class (as always), but even worse. This week is rough, Olg literally cried for hours yesterday (she got a 2 on philosophy), S thought about getting out of the PD, and today classmates from letters were saying that if someone got out, it’d be a disaster since people would follow. I don’t wanna leave but I also don’t want to do homework until 12am like yesterday. Anyways the thing that impacted me today related to this and more.
B has a little cold but he isn’t feeling completely right and came to class. He said he ain’t coming tomorrow, and that he had a horrible day and everything. I can’t help but have a weakness for him, I really want to comfort him and hug him and everything, but it feel like “wrong” or “uncomfortable” and I don’t understand why. I want to comfort him, but I don’t want to, it’s contradictory. Now that I thing about it, maybe it’s not that I don’t want to, maybe I want to be comforted too. I’m not sure because, again, I lack experience with people and crave physical touch.
I really, really, REALLY felt like crying in the middle of the lesson for no apparent reason, today and yesterday.
What else, I think nothing more. I still hate birthdays but I had 2 on Sunday and I hate them more now.
I really need and want help, but I also don’t want it. Again, the same contradiction. I want to be fixes but I feel like I can’t and it feel “wrong” or “uncomfortable”.
There’s a whole lot of homework that I don’t feel like doing.
Dayum
23:57
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