Further thoughts in 2014

I think I kind of ran out of steam on the last entry and didn't explain everything especially well. Thats the trouble with not writing for ages, there is so much to say that you can't give enough detail to any of it.

My job isn't totally shit, for starters. I am frustrated and feel a bit stuck, but I always knew there would be an aspect of that when I took the job. It is still in academia and I am still doing research, but it is the grade lower than where I was in Cardiff and if I had stayed there I would probably be looking at moving up a grade by now. So to be 2 grades below where I potentially could have been is sometimes a little hard to swallow. It isn't just about the money, its about what I've worked for, what I'm capable of, what I'm actually achieving and the differences between them all. Also, I had a really quite brilliant boss in my old job. I was totally supported in furthering my career and encouraged to do so. I had taken that for granted, not realising how rare it apparently is. So I came here thinking 'ok, so its a step down, but I have a 3 year contract to work my way back up again.' I felt confident that I was capable of doing that too. It's a totally different aspect of research though (I am primary care research now rather than in a lab) and obviously things are very different, and Bangor is a totally different kind of university to Cardiff, with different priorities. So before, my career plan was solid and structured and I understood it. I knew what I had to do. When I came here I had to reassess all that and work out what these people look for, what this universities structures are, where there is potential. And I'm still working on that. I have spoken to my new boss and explained that, obviously, I will want to progress from my current position and develop my own research. He seemed perplexed by this. Which is not hugely encouraging, I can tell you. He had no advice, no hint of where to go with this because his background is different and he hasn't had to strive for these positions in the same way I will. So, I feel a little lost right now. And my motivation is shot to pieces. I spend far too much time procrastinating and getting by with minimal effort. I shouldn't be doing that, because I should be using the fact their expectations are so low to show them what I am capable of, but for the moment I feel like I have forgotten what I am capable of, if anything at all.

Aside from that, there's the whole baby thing. I desperately want to better myself and be in a better position to provide for any potential offspring but it also limits some options. For instance, I could go back to Cardiff and get a job with my old boss again but the whole point of moving here was that I could be in a lower stress job whilst trying to get pregnant and have my family around for support with childcare. Equally, I could look to get a new job up here, but then that would mean I wouldn't qualify for maternity pay for x amount of time and so would have to delay trying again. With all the other fertility issues that just isn't really feasible. Or certainly doesn't feel like a good idea.

Ultimately, I want to be here because I want to be with Jonny and I am really really happy with him. I can't really wax lyrical about it because I'm just not that kinda smooshbag and it makes me cringe just attempting to write it, but stuff is good. He makes me feel warm and squishy inside. Like kittens. So, yeah. I'm frustrated and feel stuck, but I'm ok. I'm just impatient. Something will fall in to place. I think I just need one thing. Like, we get the house, or a get pregnant, or we find out that babies are definitely off the cards. Just one definite so that other things can happen.