23:24
Legs really tired, I’ve slept pretty bad this week but in slightly less destroyed than how I should. I’m gonna go chornologically today since there’s some stuff.
First of all, first period, PE. We did not have the course navette and we won’t this year since we don’t have much time and all of that, that’s a relief. We did a speed race thing, I thought I was gonna do great, my team was kinda OK but I didn’t really have too much confidence w them. In the end of my second lap my leg failed and I almost fell, I was almost unable to walk and that but nobody noticed. I also got a hipotension attack and stuff but I got straight through it.
The thing is B got an asthma attack or something but he was feeling dizzy and everything. In the hallways waiting for the English teacher for 2nd period I was sitting on the tables and he just laid himself on it putting his head on my lap, he was literally destroyed like that guy got a hipotension like me.
The thing is that I think I liked the feeling (don’t confuse this, I don’t like B and I don’t see him romantically), I’m really unused to physical touch and that unconditional help that I gave him made like an instant relationship were no one was hurt between the two of us because I was actually commuted to help him (let him rest in my lap) without asking for anything. It was something rare and new because all my relationships with family and friends and everything are marked by my fear of them leaving or hurting me or anything for their own benefit. Also gotta add my class this year is kinda touchy, S is always rubbing my face and L Ag hugs me from behind from ime to time, it’s weird but I think it’s not that bad.
Conclussion: I lack physical touch and I jmhave severe trust issues, and receiving heat from someone makes me flinch.
The next point: Math exan 3rd period.
Damn that was a massacre, just seeing the faces, N even got out crying and everything. It looked even worse than the Chem disaster (3.2 avrg and I got a 9.5). The issue with this is that I always feel bad because I get good grades when they are hardly doing it over the C. I try to not talk about it so they don’t feel uncomfortable but every time the thing comes out the reply like “shut up you know your getting an A” (not violently, just like joking). It might or might not be anything but I believe and I’m afraid they might unconsciously start hating me for that. I will keep doing things the same way for now but it is extremely uncomfortable for me and maybe for them too.
The last thing that happened today was like less than an hour ago, M2 and L Be literally called me to ask me how to do a manifestiation for good luck or something. I was mad it was just like, surprising, I didn’t believe they’d take it so seriously but there I was, talking like a shaman.
I’m going tomorrow with B to a math Olympics preparation class and on Sunday we 3s are going thrift shopping.
I felt specially angry with father today.
I’m going to do some homework tomorrow and hopefully study typology, I think psychology is one of my favorite things now apart from stem, I even thought about studying it.
23:46
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