Passing by in 2014
- June 23, 2014, 7:03 a.m.
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- Public
Yeah, so, updating. Thats not a thing I do anymore apparently.
Life is.... muddled. Its wonderful, and amazing and everything I could want. I have a wonderful fiancé who treats me like a princess and I feel guilty whinging about the little annoying things he does because he is so much more than anything I've ever had before. We're buying a house and trying for a baby and thinking about weddings and like, isn't that just everything? I have EVERYTHING.
But there's always a but, isn't there blud? As Kate would say.
And the but is that I still miss Cardiff. I still feel unfulfilled. I am not really making the most of my PhD and the experience I had in Cardiff, I am festering in an office in Bangor, doing very little and being appreciated for even less. Money is a SERIOUS issue at the moment, we're only in the position to even attempt to buy a house because my step-dad has gifted us the deposit. I don't know if the mortgage companies are even going to look at us.
I am also overweight and unhappy with the way I look. I am drinking far far too much.
I just feel a bit sad and lost. This wasn't where I was supposed to be, I was supposed to do something. Something useful. Something worthwhile. Everything is just stressful. Buying a house and worrying about money, worrying we won't be good enough. Looking at my sad, paltry salary and knowing I am being, quite literally, judged on this and whether it is "enough." And I worked so fucking hard for that PhD and for what? To be skint and judged. We want to start a family but with that comes even more worries about money and I feel like we are being irresponsible for trying for a baby when we are struggling so much already. And don't even get me started on the fucking wedding.
I feel overwhelmed by it all and really what I need to do is just take control of the situation and deal with the things that are stressing me out. I need to take control of my eating/drinking habits and lose some weight. I need to work with a better budget and set up some sort of saving plan for maternity/house/baby stuff. I need to make a plan and pick what I want to do and DO IT and get where I want to be. I am just so tired all the fucking time though, I feel like I can't do anything at all.
Etoile Filante ⋅ June 23, 2014
I'm sorry that you're feeling so mneh. I think your advice to yourself is very good (get healthy, start with the small things you can feel empowered by taking control of) but knowing what you need to do doesn't make it any easier to do it!! My personal belief is that there are very few career paths now where a degree makes enough genuine difference to salary and opportunities that it makes the debt and time invested worthwhile. Having said that, not everything in life is or should be about money or practicality. A person should be able to do a degree or several degrees because they enjoy learning or are passionate about a subject, or maybe just want a couple of years to dick about, get pissed and make friends before "real life" (what, is everything before the societal expectation of marriage, babies, mortgage and career a practise!?!?!) begins. There's only so much responsibility and so many sensible decisions that a person should be expected to handle and at the end of the day, if it was that easy to do it "right" everyone would do it. It's a gamble, it's an experience. Don't let anyone judge you because with hindsight or their own perspective they feel like they know what is best. Even the most intelligent, successful, happy person in the world isn't qualified to tell you about your own life. xXx
Hypnotica Etoile Filante ⋅ June 24, 2014
To be fair, if I didn't have my BSc I wouldn't have been able to get any of the jobs I've had, but then having survived mostly in the academic world thats probably to be expected. Actually I won't right a long winded note I think I will write another entry haha. Try and keep the flow going!
Deleted user ⋅ June 23, 2014
I'm of the opinion that there is not really a good time to have a baby. Dan and I were on benefits and had nothing when we had Cassie and you know, four years on, that hasn't impacted her well being at all, in fact she's very loved and spoilt just a little because we make the best of what we've got. You'll be fine, babies don't really need a whole lot, they are only as expensive as you make them x