My status: I’m physically slightly tired and mentally exhausted. I have been really sad today. I’m listening to no.6.
Today’s events:
I felt sad and melancholic the whole day. *1
Class was OK, half letters went on Strike and we weren’t many. I got really jealous of S and I wanted his body even more today.
*2
When I got home I felt extremely sad and tired.
Training looked really bad, it’s worse everyday and thinking about it getting closer makes me anxious. But today wasn’t specially bad. Maybe because Mara was going a bit slow. My abs hurt.
*3
I did all homework and played on the laptop. Laura sent me a video today but I just don’t feel like watching it. I’ll force myself later.
We also debated about social media on TDC but it was something normal and I don’t feel like written it down.
Today’s thoughts:
*1 I believe I am a nihilist, more precisely, an existential nihilist. I read about it for 5 min and it suits me. It makes sense with my depression refall this last days and I’ll just explain what I thought about today (I also like philosophy class a bit more now):
I can’t find any meaning in my life, but I also can’t find any meaning in not living, so I sinthesized my own meaning by being an observer and a meaningless human being. I want to see, hear stories, maybe travel, I want to know and I want to keep living because I believe I might find a meaning someday, and I will be thankful of not having killed myself before. I have been very un social and sad today, but I think I’m used to it. If I keep going like this I will end up crying in class or something but I will keep going for now, if the situation develops worse I’ll just try an emergency protocol.
*2 I just want to be him so bad I’m dying.
I came to a weird conclusion that might connect many things:
I can’t fall in love with people, in fact, when I think I might be feeling love what I’m actually expiriencing is envy. I watch S from time to time (hes been my fixation lately), and I questioned myself if I’m in love with him. I have imagined being in a relationship with him and having sex, but I have done that with many people and I can’t be in love with all of them. I think what I actually crave is to be them. I have reached to think that I would like to be anyone but me.
I’m focusing on negative things today.
Since I can’t change my genetics, I will continue to try to become prettier, why:
I believe people prefer appearance over being (some people entirely, most people on a high degree), since I feel like an emotionless being, I will try to become hot so I can sexualize myself and find social acceptance this way. But I can’t, I’m very tired and I still hate myself when I see a photo of me.
The way I wish to be someone else, specially S, is compulsive. I will try to secretly get a psychologist when I get to 18. I might even crack to my class and I’m watching the day of my break approaching, but I feel impotent about it. At least they seem like good people.
*3
Related to the sexualizing myself thing, I’ve been doing too much exercise and my abs hurt, but I still force them during trainings. My anorexia left me made an spaghetti and I need more muscle, specially arms and abs, but I’ve been really low on energy today and father’s house isn’t a good place for it.
Future happenings:
Tomorrow’s math thing, almost all class going.
Saturday’s expo at G, we 3 are going and I don’t feel at my best but maybe I’ll feel better.
Halloween, I don’t know if I want to stay at the sleepover at Sonia’s.
That’s all, I didn’t expect to need 2 days on a row but I guess that’s it. I’ll probably refresh this whenever I feel better.
23:40
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