I love singing. I don't think I'm very great at it. I mean, I do think I have a nice voice. As in, it's pleasing to hear, and I can sing on key. But I think there are many levels between me and a GOOD voice. You ever have a skill where you think you may have some talent, and then you watch someone who is really gifted and has really worked hard at it, and you realize just how shabby your little talent is? That's how I feel about singing.
So... since we came to our church, a few friends of mine have been pressuring me to sing. I didn't want to for a couple reasons.
First, I grew up in a church where the congregation was really strong in singing; there was no need for people to be up there singing the songs. This was not a part of our church doctrine or anything, but I think I kind of absorbed the anti-worship-team sentiment just from so many years in a church where it really would have been kind of stupid to have one.
It still seems a bit foreign to me. But the last several years, we've attended churches where members are shy about singing out (like I'm one to talk), or the meeting rooms were just acoustically dead, or some other combination of factors, so I'm starting to get it. It can be a real need, or at least close to one.
Second, the big one, what if these friends think they know what I sound like, but really they've been hearing someone else? What if I'm TERRIBLE, and they just haven't realized it? What if I RUIN CHURCH (get over yourself, right?). When I was in high school, the girl next to me in choir sang a quarter-tone flat ALL OF THE TIME. And she was loud. Do you know how hard it is to sing the right pitches when when the person next to you is loudly dragging you down? My choir teacher always thought it was me. And I guess it was, kind of, because I wasn't singing right. But he really embarrassed me a couple of times by blaming me, and it was humiliating. I think I'm still afraid of that. Or, worse, what if I'm like HER now, and I don't even know it? What if I really am that bad?
So, a few weeks ago, our pastor preached a sermon about... something. I don't remember the major point, but a part of it was this: If you have something to offer the body of Christ but are afraid to do so, stop making it about you and get out of the way. It was rather convicting. Maybe I don't have a great voice, but it's good enough that I can be useful. And, there is a need; I'm not just some superfluous appendage.
Then, someone let slip to the music leader that I should be singing but wasn't, and he put me on the email list. And each week, I saw the list of singers who were on that week, and who had off. And I saw that these people have to show up at church an hour and a half early almost every Sunday, with very infrequent days off. So then I felt like a selfish jerk and before I could talk myself out of it, I emailed him that I wanted to start singing in church.
Unfortunately, it didn't work out for another three weeks. So I had three weeks to freak out about it instead of getting it over with.
Well, Sunday was the day. And I was completely fine. Almost no nervousness. In fact, it was FUN. And even with a microphone in my face, no one can hear who is who (even during rehearsal, with just us three). They just need people who know the songs singing confidently. The whole congregation sings better that way. It was so not about me. I mean, I can know that in my head, but it's much different the way it works out in the way I feel and act. I kind of feel like an idiot for making it about me for so long.
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