Introduction in My pov life

Hi! This is Bonita, you can call me Bon. I am 17 years old and I am in my junior year. I just moved across a city into a new house and new school. This is my first entry here and I just sent my friend long texts of appreciation after she told me she was feeling low and suicidal. But am I entitled to write these things to her when I myself was looking at my wrist constantly brushing my thumb across it? Am I? Sometimes I feel like the best of myself like how no one is like me, but the other times…I feel like I am drowing in a sea of emotions and I want to escape- I wish to cry but I feel blank, emotionless and numb. Those are the moments I think about death. Now I’ve never done self harm, no. But sometimes I just wish to stab myself in the heart. One time suffering will be better than a lifetime suffering right? There is nothing I wish to live for. I am academically suffering, I have some new friends in school but they’re just not it. I don’t talk to my old friends online anymore…it’s not the same. Everyone is busy…My parents contribute a lot to my depression. No they’re amazing parents, I am the one who is at wrong they just want my bettermet haha. My siblings are a bunch of assholes tho. They’re ugly inside. Very very ugly. But maybe I am what’s wrong in life and not anyone else. No one is entitled to do anything for me, I am for myself.
Love, Bonita