BLANK DAYS in QUOTIDIEN
- June 20, 2014, 1:28 p.m.
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- Public
Too much sadness, too many work hours, too much to do to write or respond. Busier than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
I have reached that point where I am impatient with my own sorrow and feelings, and figure that others are probably feeling much the same - so on what little time I have left, I can either be found reading a book, or paying bills.
After blow-out with daughter, things have been a little smoother on that front, though there are times when I still feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of things that requiring doing when I come home from a 12 hour shift. On those days, I warn Anne-Marie that I need to be given wide berth...oh...'and from now on, there will be no more hair-coloring in my absence.' Black. Black hair dye, rinsed out - not in the stainless steel sink, but in.the.shower. Not only that, but she let the slightly blue-black water sit in the bottom of the shower. Guess what Magic Eraser won't clean. But....her hair looks great.
New friends showed up to start up the 'House Project'. Painting first. Serious carpentry work next. Kitchen last. It's the part I'm most impatient to complete - but stuff is moving and I'm good with that. What they start, I finish after they're gone. This weekend, I believe we begin painting the bedroom while I work on the coat of Wall Hide (primer) for the cabinets and doors. I am grateful for the help - and the encouragement from their efforts on our behalf. I'm a blessed woman,
I can string more good days between my bad ones than I could a month ago. For that, I am grateful. Today, however = bad day.
I'm doing that thing again where my eyelids carefully (and inefficiently) stash away tears - a ploy that is easily upset by the slightest wind, a single note from a song, or any vehicular decision I must make (because that's NOT.MY.JOB).
I wonder at this type of sorrow. There doesn't appear to be any trigger other than my husband having died without any consideration for what he was leaving behind. I see men now (and I'm not proud of this) - and if they pop a sweat walking from their car to the door, or the effort of doing so leaves them breathing hard, I instantly think, "I wouldn't ever be with anyone like that...again."
I wonder at the energy-zap of still loving a person who is gone, without benefit of replenishing return of love's energy that existed in life. I sort of feel like an emotional stalker, in that way. I talk to him, still. A drop of sound and buckets of feelings fall into the void that he once filled. I send him mental 'Kodak Moments'. "Look Honey, we finally have apples!"
Apples. :tissues:
middle age pearl ⋅ June 20, 2014
It is ok and "normal" whatever normal is, to have good stretches of days and even stretches of bad days. There really isn't much you can do and postposting it, if you can, only will add pressure for the time you can't control it. You will do what you have to do and then you'll do more than you ever thought you'd do, cause you are sure "you must". You have a need to fill the "gap" and that does keep one overly busy to keep from spending much brain time on the loss. Thank God for the blessings He sends our way and some are more obvious than others. There will come a time when you "think" you're all over the loss, and then wham, your eyes will spring a leak and your heart will feel so heavy. We do heal. But we have reminders of what we lost. I actuallly never goes away, but life keeps us too busy to dwell over time. Take care, give yourself some time and God Bless You are actually doing wonderfully even though you may not feel like it at times. And for those days you don't feel "wonderfully able to cope", allow yourself to rid itself of the control of grief and tears. It really does help. {{HUGS}}
motherofthree ⋅ June 20, 2014
It's been 26 months since my husband passed away and I still will tear up when I see a truck similar to what he drove. Or I just put a deck on our house that I've wanted for 15 years and I cried, knowing how much he would have enjoyed it. I have my good days and I have my bad days still, the bad ones aren't so often, but they are still there. Let the tears come, it does help. I am thinking of you as I know it's sometimes a hard journey that we hate to travel, and we each grieve in our own way. Just remember once in awhile to smile at a memory too. (((hugs))) =^..^=
Linda ⋅ June 20, 2014
I can only imagine what it takes to get through a day. Hugs.
GypsyWynd ⋅ June 20, 2014
My dad's been gone for 5½ years, and my mom still talks to him, and there are still moments when she'll cry, seemingly for 'no reason'. (but she has every reason.....just because he's gone)
Katren...In Conclusion ⋅ June 20, 2014
Blessed Be
NorthernSeeker ⋅ June 20, 2014
I'm glad that you are having some good days. It can only be with amazing strength of character.
Dancing Queen ⋅ June 20, 2014
When my mom died, I remember being impatient with my sorrow and feelings of grief after a bit. Having been on the other side of the fence (ie supporting the loved ones who had a dramatic loss) I can assure that no one else is impatient with your sorrow and grief.
ODSago ⋅ September 02, 2014
I want to say that I'd heard your husband died, as mine did in Feb. of this year, and that I didn't know you were writing here...so just to say that I too have experienced this separation from a mate...and I send you my condolences. There is book that I love for the support it brought me...Widow to Widow, should you be interested. Most of them are claptrap stuff but this one? Not.
Now I'll be reading about your job and the newsletter option again, where I found your name.
Deleted user ⋅ November 16, 2014