Hair in Pains

Mother
I hope you rot alone.
You used to pull my hair so hard that the whole side of my scalp would tingle, get hot, and eventually numb. That was awful and also I guess it stopped hurting since you did it so much. But now I feel the consequences of your violence against me. The terror of the unexpected infliction of pain, the not knowing where was safe anymore. The only other adult not fucking me was yanking my hair with a look that still makes my body freeze when I remember, or when I see another person make the same expression.
I hate what you did to me.
I hate it even more now that I am a mother and my toddler pulls at my hair with a mixture of joy at feeling my long soft hair and overwhelming feeling of no bodily control and curiosity. But I don’t respond like my friends do or how the articles on the internet say, to gently grab their hands and calmly say ouch, that hurts. Here, pull this string instead.
No. My reaction is sheer panic, seething rage, and horror at seeing my child’s face of shock and terror at seeing her mother becoming undone.
I am usually that fun mom who loves cooking with her daughter and can include her and teach patiently most tasks. All the while we sing songs and cuddle throughout the cooking process. And suddenly I am this unrecognizable monster to her that squeeze her wrists too tight to make them release my hair, and shouts illogical things like, stop pulling my hair!!!! At someone who still puts rocks in her mouth.
This isn’t right. This isn’t fair. I don’t give a single fuck what happened to you. You should have done better. I don’t believe you did your best with me. I think you did what was best for you, and violence worked to control my older sister and I and you abused us. Till my baby sister came and she hit you back. She will forever be my hero, not just for that, but for many things. But that one is on the top 3 reasons though.

You are a horrible human being and I wish I had never been born to you, or that you had had any children. None of us should have suffered the way we did. And you gave zero fucks about giving us a better life. And no, dragging our underage asses to America was not a gift or your way of giving us better. It was a way to give yourself better, aka money, and we got dragged along. Fuck you. I hope you die and suffer some more.