I come here everyday.. sit on this screen ready to write it all out.. everything that I feel all day long.. Everything that consumes me. Yet… The page has stayed blank. I still don’t even know where to start. Or begin to know. I’m so fucking lost it isn’t even funny. And every time I turn around, I have this constant nagging and bitching in my head. I am severely lacking motivation. I need it in order to pull myself from this pit of depression. Its bad this time. Really bad.
I can say, I am really grateful that my depression doesn’t lead to suicidal thoughts or ideations. Count my blessings right? Feel like sometimes I have no reasons to feel like this. It’s all of my own doing.. Only I can drag myself out. So what is the problem? What the hell am I waiting for? Why is it so hard this time?
I keep blaming my surroundings. “I Hate the town I live in” “This place scares me” “The people here are horrid” whatever my mind decides to think up that day or moment. Well. It isn’t helping. It isn’t getting me to where I want to be; to where I think I will be happy.. But really, what is going to make me happy? I really should be grateful right? Like there could be a lot worse happening. Well there is, it just isn’t to me. Many have more going on than I, yet I feel like I am so alone through it all.
I’m starting to wonder if I should swallow my pride, and have a doctor look into this all. Maybe I DO NEED to be medicated? Maybe I DO NEED help with it this time. Maybe it’s the only way to get out of it… Ugh! Just the thought makes me nauseous … To go and piss and moan to some stranger tell me what I need in my life? FFS! I already know what I need to do. That isn’t what I seek, you know? I just really don’t know where to find the motivation. I see all these people with their full schedules and busy days and all the multitasking they are doing, and I’m like I wish I was able to be like that. Just watching makes me tired. How do I get THERE?
Loading comments...