a text edit reopened from 2013 and added on to in things from my TextEdit

j elliots clean but he's mine l he's not clean, but he's totally yours. l because i am on my period and therefore blessed with the ability to tell who likes who. he would let me do him if i suddenly decided to jump his bones but his like resides with you. i don't care because he's not clean. l and not to sound like a bitter asshole, but in that way you guys are kinda perfect in this really morose kind of way. l yea, i know he wouldn't l and its morose because neither of you are fully recovered and he's a friend of your ex. but whatever i mean, if its right then do it. he seems nice, so atleast that much. l don't be a bitch, you don't know how i've been lately. also, i guess i don't know how you've been lately either. just, you spend long times in bathrooms. also i wanted to apologize for last night anyway. l do whatever you want ok, and i'm not saying these things because i had a crush on elliot. and i don't really in any real way so yeah. l oh also, i've been really shitty lately. also, i dated josh for 2 months over 2 years before i dated dave. i think its a bit different. l i wasn't angry about not coming to tis or tones. sorry if i was being annoying. l i'm not, or i don't mean to be. and i don't think i'm better than you. i did, once, but not anymore. i just think you lie to me sometimes and i don't like that. maybe you're not. l either way this texting convo is making me sick. l you did too. it was around the hampshire trip. i didn't realize i felt that way until someone told me that addicts have this sense of entitlement toward non users and it got me to thinking about how it works the other way too. l yea, but she's not an idiot. l ditto l and i don't want to tell you about my shitty things because its a downer and not your responsibility. l ok, i wasn't trying to make you feel bad, tony told me elliot did dope friday, and i know you atlas still do pills, i was just trying to get you to think about things i'm sorry i didn't just let you revel in the good feelings, i should've thought twice. l i hope you don't fault me too much for it. I am only human. l what is wrong with you? l ok so it was for my sake, i just needed to know i was wrong for a single text message over and over and over? I already apologized. You think i'm the most worthless piece of shit don't you? Go to hell. Nothing is wrong with you or your response? Then stay the hell away from me. You don't understand me at all. And i don't understand you at all and obviously i'm way too much of a shitty friend anyway. l that shit is you being ego centric asshole. Maybe i never seem like i'm having a good time because i'm depressed out of my fucking skull. l and i'm sorry i guess i still don't know how much you like elliott, i already apologized, and i'm fucking happy for you if it works out, i don't know what you want from me. l Its really just normal. and nothing concerning. but there. l and its ego centric because you're acting like its your fault. Its not. I'm just shit for human. Also i never thought that was the vibe was feeding you. I disappeared from lotus because i felt like an idiot. l i have flashes of bloody murdering ben. or just reminders of the shit he made me do. i can't control it and its a necessary thing if i'm ever going to get over that crap. But it takes a fucking toll on me. also, i'm lonesome as fuck. also i've been having delusions about how anything i could ever believe as good is actually a big prank the world is playing on me - that ones the worst. l yea i regretted dwording it that way the moment i sent it. it was more anxiety and the feeling that i just really didn't belong. l dilemma of my life. my brain might understand but you need to tell it to my nerves. you guys still had fun though right? l good. and i'm glad i saw mike and i'm glad i met elliot and i'm glad i got to see everyone and when i left i had a really good time too. l i don't do meeds anymore. l i've tried them on two separate occasions… i don't trust them. l my frequent night terrors and panic attacks have stopped, though. I think i'm over the worst of that ptsd bull from years ago. Now i just need to start dealing with the shit from last year before it turns ugly. l It was a jam band too but only 5 people dancing in the dark and the basement , which works better for me… lol there was one really fantastic part that was hilarious, i met some frequenters of my restaurant… i don't know, i guess i'm just more comfortable in the house show environment. l oh did you mean the meeds? l first time i took them i didn't leave my room for 2 weeks, almost failed my classes… the second time… i don't know how much i can attribute to the meeds and how much i need to take responsibility for… l but my parents are calling me. so, thanks therapist. i'm sorry you think i'm being shitty to you all the time. i wish it wasn't that way. l by the way you make me feel like shit- often, but i always shrug it off because i want to believe you don't mean it like that. i shouldn't have said that. but you're great, i know you don't consider me that close of a friend so i appreciate it. l thanks, though me being pretty and interesting is part of the problem with the delusional reality thing. i can never tell if someone is good people or just trying to get me to like them so they can suck my blood. l so does elliott know you like him back yet?

Hey, Something funny: My name is Lana and my lips are real, and plush. I spent 5 months of winter/spring 2011 sad in Hollywood (west hollywood actually, horrible situation with a psycho heroin addict boyfriend) Anyway, I don't have a latin twanged last name but my mom is Brazilian, I spent some time growing up there. I don't sing though. But still, it sucks. Do you think its a conspiracy?

http://www.facebook.com/lana.press

Thanks, Let me know, LP

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inv: rebecca- james- kwaku- max - tony- joelle (antonio, emily) josh (corinne) joe (caiti) dave (grace) alex (dean, trevor) avery kathleen joe d (pat) kelly tammy dave grossman val- jenna- bentley tim (guests) mike emily taylor mariel (guestz)

i'm tired of playing you were the only person to see me cry this past year and it was both the only times i cried not because of a movie has booty calling me ever worked for you?

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it's almost always in your interest to keep a dark woman around if she wants to be there.

I think there was a chase going on in my neighborhood.

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