Here, There Be Monsters in Ultimate Randomness

Sounds ominous, but its not really meant to be. Actually, besides being an unintentional Middle Ages map reference, it is also a quote I wrote down in my little writing journal I keep to work on my stories I am writing whenever I have the inspiration to work on them. I was probably in one of my worst places emotionally at that time and it just seemed to fit how I was feeling. I felt like I had gone so far off track that I had completely gone off the side of the map and was floating out in space. Like I wasn't on the same planet as everyone else. Depression is funny like that. If someone were to ask me a few years ago if I felt depressed, I probably would have said no. Now, I look at how things were then and how they are now and I see alot of similarities. Now, I would tell people that I have always been depressed since I was a teenager, but it has just manifested itself in many different ways. Even when I was at my happiest in these last 17 years, it was always there. The most obvious signs are the suicidal thoughts and the not wanting to get out of bed. People see that and they automatically think depression. But I am really starting to understand that there is more to it than that. For example, I used to be really good at keeping up with things that needed to be done like laundry, medications, etc. Not just my own, but the ex's as well. But that is where it has manifested itself most over the last 5 or 6 years. Well, besides the questionable sex drive. But gradually, I have gotten worse and worse about keeping up with things and making decisions. Planning anything has become difficult because my concept of time over the long term is just off. It is generally hard for me to remember what day of the week it is without some certain aspect popping into my head. Just a second ago, I heard a bang outside and wondered if I had forgotten that it was trash day, which here is Thursday. Most people don't have to figure out which day of the week it is. As for the other stuff, I just keep floating along following the same old routine, even though I know I need to make a decision regarding both where I am going to live and whether or not I am going back to school in the Fall. If I am being honest, I feel like I have already made the decisions, but have no idea how to implement them. Meanwhile, I have my dad and the ex who are trying to come up with ways to help me, whether it be moving in with him and having to find a new job (or, more likely, jobs) and going back to school or the ex offering to let me redo our old room so that it was just my room and helping me get focused back on school without losing my insurance. I know somebody out there is going to roll their eyes at that last one, but she really is doing what she knows how to try and help me. There are two big problems though.

First, it isn't that I don't want to go back and finish school, but the way my mind is right now, if I go back in the Fall, the same thing is going to happen as happened this past Spring. I will do just fine when I am in class, but I will not do anything outside of class and I will fail everything again. At that point, it's all over. There is no way I would ever get back in school after that. But even if I did make it though this semester and finish school in a couple of semesters, what then? I mean, there is no way that the divorce will be the last traumatic thing to happen to me. My parents are going to die eventually. And if I am teaching, what happens then? If I crack like this when I am in charge of helping students and become practically useless again, then what is the point? So I really don't think I am going to go back in the Fall, and beyond that, I really don't know if I am going back period. Between financial aid limits and my tendency to nose dive in college (this is the third semester of college I have completely bombed), I really don't have the confidence in myself to believe I have what it takes to finish. Sure, I am the ONLY person who thinks that, and everyone else has made it clear that they know I can do it, but I just don't know exactly what I have left in me anymore. I have just gotten so tired of having to fight for every little thing, I don't feel like there is any fight left in me. And before someone tells me that other people have it worse, I know that. I actually don't have things too bad compared to alot of people who fight for every bit of everything every day. I really do get that. There is just something that those people have inside of them that I have lost. Some people are able to fight just to stay alive. But for me, mere survival is not life. I don't want to just survive. I can do that just fine. I want to be happy. Without that, what's the point?

The second problem is that I am just not sure I want to be around anybody on a regular basis. It's not that I don't get along with my dad. We are actually really good friends on top of being father/son. But as much as that is true, I am averse to moving back in with either of my parents. I've already done that once, when my first attempt at college didn't pan out. It was good, and I got back on my feet pretty quickly, but alot was different back then. My parents were together, my sister lived at home, and it was the house I grew up in. Those things are all gone now. It would just be me and my dad. Though we get along great, I am just not the person he remembers being around on a daily basis. I am not the laid back, happy-go-lucky soul I once was. And though he seems to understand this, I don't know how he would deal with it on a daily basis. Besides, I really am tired of imposing myself on people. I don't want people to have to change their lives to accommodate me, which, if you've ever lived with someone else, is inevitable. Same goes for moving in with anyone else. As for living here, I know I have talked about how out of place I feel in this house now. It has not been home for a long time and I have a hard time recognizing it as the place I have lived for the last 9 and a half years. It will never be mine again. Even if I redo the one room, it doesn't change anything. I just don't see me feeling like I belong here again.

So I am left with moving into my own place and not finishing school. Problem is, between my two jobs, I still don't make enough to cover bills and an apartment even though I am working 50+ hours a week. I could find a new job, but I don't want to stop working at the cafe, so I would need a third shift job. I would probably have weekends off, but I would not get any rest at all during the week. Still, it is something to consider. In any case, enough of my griping. I will probably be back sometime this morning with a gaming entry, so until then...

ED*- I just realized that I forgot to mention one other thing. The ex did also offer to help find a small apartment in the town I go to college in once things are settled. The drawback is that I have to go back to school this semester.